I ended up leaving for my sisters last Thursday night instead of Sunday because the kid’s Dad decided to slit his wrist and cut his arms up in front of my sister (the children included) and then simply look at my sister and ask, “Can I stay here now?” He knew I was coming to stay so I guess that was his last desperate attempt to have a roof over his head. How pathetic, the whole situation made my stomach turn. The girls where at the neighbors and they’d shipped him off to mental health when my sister and I got back that night. The oldest, Rose, was hyperventilating she was so terrified when I went and got them from the neighbors house. She’s 3 1/2 years old and the next day she talked about her Daddy cutting up his arms and how all the lights outside scared her (police and ambulance). His blood was still splattered all over the bathroom floor along with the butcher knife he used. We didn’t let the girls back in there until my sister cleaned it up. It was all so disgusting - his behavior. I spent all Friday nauseated.

I left to spend the weekend in Columbus with my older brother, who I hadn’t seen in two years because of his heroin addiction. He’s clean off of that but still a drunk. Saturday I watched while he and his girlfriend played this game where they drank a shot of beer every minute for an hour straight to see what would happen. I kept track of the time and felt like I was babysitting teenagers even though my brother is 35 years old. I felt kind of sadistic that I thought it was amusing, telling them every 60 seconds, “Okay, have at it”. Wow, it was…weird. Heres my older brother, a guy I always looked up to when I was a kid. And, its just mind-boggling how he’ll never grow up. The best I could do was humor him.

I’ve stopped by here for the weekend to pack up the rest of my stuff. I’m waiting on my sister to call me back to let me know if she can help me to get my stuff from here back to her place. So far I have five huge boxes and more to come. Then there are Mikes boxes that I separated that stuff from. Then there are boxes from the ex-husband of Mike’s mother that he still hasn’t picked up since their divorce. Its a mess but organized. But I’ve gotten everything for the most part. I found where my summer clothes where bagged thank god! I’ve been walking around like a weirdo in long sleeves when it’s 80 degree’s outside. I love the warm weather! Makes me so happy.

I’ll be staying with my sister until the end of August. She’s already gotten the girls in a home daycare that a woman runs in accordance to income. Apparently this woman was once a single mother of two so she started this daycare out of her home to help other women once in her situation. The girls love it there so far. I can’t wait to get my sister’s internet turned on. I’ve been naturally depressed with Mike and I’s breakup though so I don’t know how much I’ll be online when she does get it. I felt so overwhelmed when I got here yesterday evening. But I feel better now that I’ve gotten some things accomplished.

Mike’s Mom and I talked last night and she gave me a hug and told me to not worry about anything thats going on here and to just focus on myself. Its hard to not want to help Mike but theres really nothing I can do. I know that on a mental level, I just need to learn it in my heart. He tried to tell me earlier this week that “I don’t know if it means anything to you or Mom but I didn’t buy anything this week (pot) because I can afford it”. But guess what he left out last night since he didn’t know I was coming? I stopped by on Thursday to grab my mail and pick up some money that he owed me for his credit card bill and car insurance (not including the $200 from rent to his mom, his car payment, etc) and I smelled pot then when I came downstairs, here in the basement. So I suspected, but now I know that he flat out lied to me, trying to make it sound as if he was “trying” and “poor me, I can’t afford my pot”.

I wanted to flush it down the toilet and argue with him when he came home last night from his band practice. But I was asleep on the couch down here when he woke me up, and I was exhausted, and my heart wasn’t in it so we just kind of made small talk. I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. No that it would even matter if I did. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going to go. I’ve got some more things that I need to sort through.

Hope Sent,

~ Ani

Well, after 6 years together with Mr. Mike I’ve decided it’s time for me to branch out on my own. I’m excited, terrified, heart-broken, and relieved on different levels. I was supposed to be leaving this past weekend to stay with my little sister to help her with her little ones until she can get them in daycare. She tried to give the children’s biological father another chance. But he’s replaced his own addiction from heroin to marijuana and alcohol. So he’s still as sick as ever…stealing off of her, violent, ridiculous. Last time I stayed with her to help out with the little ones it ended up being a month and a half stay. Which was crazy because I was in school and everything and it was hard to keep up with. But, with having the summer off, I told her that I could go and help with the kids again to help her get away from him and back on her feet. But its been delayed a week to give him time for his Mom to send him a bus ticket back to Utah. Good riddance, now the little ones can sleep w/o the sound of his drunken rants keeping them up all night.

But, within the past week I’ve also come to the conclusion that Mikes not gotten better as he said he would try to do, but he’s actually gotten worse. Or, at least it’s come to my conclusion that he’s always been far worse than I ever realized with his own drinking and smoking pot. He owes me $200.00 and we’re only 3 weeks into this month - I just added it up this morning. I was looking to see how much I needed to take out of my bank account that was his to give him before I go.  How ironic.

Theres no way I’ll ever get it back and we’ll ever catch up at this rate. I’m leaving before he throws me into more debt more than where I’m already at with my school loans. I just can’t do this anymore. He’s not going to change. He’s just going to give me more excuses and defensiveness. More heartache and grief. With addiction there comes times of crisis that are what helps those addicted to open their eyes in order to see what they’re doing to themselves. He’s never going to get the chance to see what he’s doing to himself with me always making everything okay.

Fuck it, I’m gone. I just can’t do this anymore.

Not that I’ve been on much the past few days compared to the past few weeks prior, but I thought I’d let you guys know that I’m leaving out of town due to some personal circumstances on Saturday and won’t have access to the net for atleast a week and a 1/2. I’ll miss you all til then.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Currently listening : Korn By Korn Release date: By 11 October, 1994

I have three brothers: Two older brothers (Jeremy and Arthur)
And my twin brother (Stephen)

Heroin? Alcohol? Marijuana? Pick your poison. But addictions lead you to the same place. So don’t judge and think you’re better because “you may have a gambling problem but at least your not some junkie on the street”. Your just lucky. You’re no better. You’re fighting the same enemy. You just can’t see it. But its important that you do.

Originally Written: SUN 06/10/07

I keep feeling like that little girl, lost and helpless, and wandering through life waiting for the day when I’ll be free, when things will change, when everything will be okay and I won’t have to worry. When I won’t spend my days struggling to stay one step ahead of this game that wasn’t created to be won.

‘When will I be enough,’ she asks?

How do I behave, who do I need to be, how can I change to make this all stop? How much do I need to worry myself into stomach inflammation, how many sleepless nights, when will I be enough? When will I be enough for her? How many beers, how much money, how many fights, how many beatings, how much? How much dragging me around by my hair, striking, punching, screaming, throwing, breaking — how much?

I’m 13 years old, in my room listening to rock music through my headphones, writing bad poetry, wanting to die. Wanting to die. Dreading, anticipating, biding my time.

I promised myself. Never again. She always said, ‘Never make a promise you can’t keep.’ Thats why she never promised anything.

I’ve been really down on myself today over an inner conflict I’m having. The responses I’ve gotten back from my many emails and comments to other survivors have really helped though. I feel like I’ve helped a few people out and in turn they’ve helped me. It means a lot to know that just maybe I made someone out there somewhere smile. Its the point after all.

Earlier today Mike, my significant other of the past 6 years let me know that he plans to spend almost $100/mon on pot. Woah. Woah a lot. I had no idea that he’d been spending that much??? When don’t have a joint checking account or anything. So, I really have no way of knowing.

So today there were lots of thoughts of:

“I’m such an idiot. Me of ALL people…I’m with an addict? ME??? How could I let this happen? How could I be so blind? Why didn’t I see this coming?

I feel like a failure to my own belief system. I keep thinking back to the Al-anon meetings I attended years ago when my twin brother was hooked on heroin and how I never understood these women who came to these meetings every week complaining about their husbands getting smashed and doing this or that, or the other thing. I never understood why they would ever put up with that? With Stephen it was different, he was my twin brother, my blood. I could never give up on him, never. But they were just putting up with these jack asses? And now I’m with a guy who suddenly tells me after 6 years of being together that he’s spending $45 every other week on reefer. Reality check for me. I always said I never again in my life would live with drugs or drinking…not after growing up around my mom. And now….

More Thoughts to Myself:

**Dah-Dah! Mike becomes a druggy! It’s official! Woo-hoo! Welcome back home! Did you really think you could escape? It’s in your blood. If you don’t end up a addict yourself then you’ll find someone who is. Its the way it goes with the disease. It lives and breaths almost with a life force of its own! You will never escape. Mwah ha ha ha!**

LoL…sorry. Had do go with some sarcasm. I must see the humor in this really. It is funny isn’t it? So now what?

1. I’m having him write out his “number crunching” on paper for me so that I can compare it with reality
2. I’m starting a savings account next week to save for what might be my own place.
3. I’m spending tomorrow getting my finances in order and looking ahead at how much I can save over the next several months. What I need to cut back on, etc.
4. I’m going to start doing some research on addiction to add it to my Drug & Alcohol Abuse page over at Help4Trauma.org.  I’ve been meaning to do this forever anyway and this is just the motivation I need. I’d like to do a causal analysis on the affect trauma has on an individuals predisposition for substance abuse. I need to see facts to get it through my thick skull that this isn’t going to go away. I need to look at this objectively to weigh out my options of what I can do to help Mike and I.
5. I need to work in group in the morning on what I can do in confronting Mike with this issue and how to prepare myself for his denial.
6. I need to stop putting myself down about it. This isn’t my fault. Just like it wasn’t my fault when my Mom drank her life away before my eyes growing up. I can’t change it but I can take action to control how it affects my life.
7. I need to call Stephen and the rest of those who I can depend on for support and get there advice or just to have them listen.

Okay then…its settled. Thank you to everyone who’s emailed me back or commented on my efforts with this site. You all have really brightened my day.

Hope Sent

~ Ani

Today as I was wandering around Technorati.com I stumbled across some new blogs that I’m excited to introduce into the Survivor Blogs page. My hope is that these blogs might be helpful to others in the survivor community. And please, if you know of any survivor blogs that you think might be helpful, or if you own one that isn’t yet listed on this page please let me know and I’ll check it out.

SurvivingIncest.com **New**
By: SC W.

Fear Not Your Light **New**
By: Jeremy B. Manning

I’m Breaking Free **New**
By: Dale C. Anderson Jr.

Veritas by Verna **New**
By: Verna

Enjoy!

Hope Sent,

~ Ani

Okay. Its time for me to process some things if I can. To play catch up and hopefully not spend too much time rambling by the end of it. Today, as I will continue to do every Wednesday morning for the next two months or so, I got up at 6 am and caught the van to attend “Healthy Relationships” Group where you deal with issues such as co-dependency, domestic violence, etc…whatever applies to your current relationships. I dreaded it. As soon as I opened my eyes I thought about how I really didn’t feel well and maybe that is enough to not go. But the alarm kept buzzing after a while with every time I hit “snooze”. So I forced myself up, shoved two cups of coffee down, and walked out when I heard the honk of the van horn.

Carol (Group Leader): Okay guys, have you seen this movie, I thought I would have us watch it? Its called “Adult Children of Alcoholics”.

Me: Yeah, I’ve seen it. I took this group once before and really watching it again right now is really just going to depress me.

She understands and we sit down to discuss my reasoning. I explain that my little sister has started drinking on a nightly basis. And I explain how this disease has destroyed my entire family. I explain how James, my oldest brother, just got a year’s probation in Arizona when he got caught with paraphanelia and with shoplifting. I explain how his hotel room was loaded with luggage he’d stolen from airports all around Scottsdale when my brother-in-law went to clean it out. I explain how my siblings and I were pissed that he’s only gotten a year’s probation because we were really hoping he’d go to prison for a while so he wouldn’t die of a heroin overdose anytime soon. I explain that my second oldest brother is off heroin but steadily drinking himself into oblivion. I explain, on a good note, that my twin brother has been off heroin for two years (thank God for that). I explain how our mother looks like a walking holocaust victim due to her years of drinking and consuming drugs.

Then I get to Sunday night. How Mike said that he wouldn’t have his half for the car payment but that he had spent $60 on my birthday to counter it.  It did make me feel rather loved.  I explain that my sister is back with my two baby niece’s biological father. He’s been clean off of heroin for over a year but still drinks quite heavily. Now my little sister herself is drinking quite heavily. Now my boyfriend is having issues with the sickness.

Nope…don’t want to watch the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” video. I understand the dynamics of the alcoholic family all too well. But I loved seeing my little sister and my baby nieces on Sunday. They’re so little and perfect. They seem well adjusted but I know that hearing their Mom (my little sister) say things like, “Your Daddy doesn’t love you, you’re never going to see him again because he doesn’t love you”, when they get in fights in front of the girls isn’t healthy. They will be affected when they get older. It’ll start to show. It’ll wear them down. Roselynn just turned three in December so she’s old enough to start carrying these memories. Cheyenne just turned 2 a few weeks ago and she really needs not to fall asleep at night to her parents, drunk and screaming at each other…breaking things. The child spent her first 5 months of life in a homeless shelter with her Mom and older sister because her Daddy couldn’t get off the junk.

But I love my sister with all my heart no matter the mistakes she has made. I gave her a hug goodbye on Sunday and I really hope to see her again soon. She offered me some Bacardi Silver which is kind of ironic since it’s exactly what I used to get smashed on when I was her age. I explain to her that I can’t drink on account of my medication…how it counteracts with any psychotropic medication. Shes shocked and I’m shocked she doesn’t know. I talked to her about Mike and stated “Of all people, you would think I’d be the last one to end up with a drunk.” She nodded. I’m very much against the alcoholism. I haven’t spoken to my own mother in two years because of her addiction and how she treats her children as a result. But now Mike? How didn’t I see this coming? Why couldn’t I be enough to break this cycle?

In group the conclusion was that I’m not ready to leave him. Its not come to that point. I keep thinking about my twin brother and how he’s been clean for two years. He went from hitting rock bottom, homeless with nothing, to having a good job and doing rather well for himself despite all of it today. I stuck by him through all of it. I fought with his counselor to get him into the perfect rehab center. I fought to find him a halfway house so he could get back on his feet. I found the answers but he did the work and I’m sooo proud of him. Especially with his fiance and best friend in the ground, losing their own battle with the junk. His best friend had been my own when we were kids, growing up. God, where does it end? Should I go back to alanon? Would it matter? What now? I want to stick by Mike just like I stuck by Stephen. I want to believe that after almost 6 years together, if we’ve made it past my years in counseling, the PTSD, the dissociation, the 11 or so hospitalizations in 18 months, then for Christ’s sake, can’t we make it past this?

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MyDissonance (Ani Star)

Joined on Jun 05, 2007

An abuse survivor - working towards healing, growing, and embracing life in all of both it’s sorrow and beauty.

MyDissonance blogs about: accomplishments, group therapy, humor, mental illness, support systems, personality traits, celebration, family, relationships, reaching out

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Saturday Night: A Bit of a Bummer

Stephen, (Stephen’s girlfriend) Ashley, Mike and I didn’t end up being able to go out to eat together on Saturday night but it ended up okay because we got to go out to eat the next morning on the date of our real birthday anyway. His girlfriend….wow. I hadn’t met her yet….wow.

Sunday Afternoon: Lunch w/My Twin Brother

We’re sitting at the restaurant, the three of us, enjoying our meal, having a moment of quiet.

Ashley: “You guys are being quiet”.

Stephen: “(Smirking) We don’t need to talk out loud Ash. Joanna and I can communicate telepathically. We’re having a conversation right now, can’t you tell?”

Me: (grinning at Stephen being a smart ass)

Ashley: “Oh, I believe you, I can tell by the coniving look on both of your faces. I have these two twin cousins. They won’t even be looking at each other and I’ll catch both of them sometimes with the exact same expression on their faces.”

Me: ???

Ashley leaves to the bathroom

Me: “Um…dude, did she seriously just believe you?”

Stephen: “Yeah, shes got a couple screws loose…”

So yeah…woah. LOL.

Saturday Evening: Dinner w/My Best Friend & Her New Boyfriend…and Mike

Mike and I have been waiting at Olive Garden for an hour. We’ve come to the conclusion that Jodie and her new guy are probably driving around the city we live in looking for an Olive Garden that doesn’t exist. They assumed that I would pick a place in our city instead of driving out to where they live, a half hour away. I’m very disappointed. Finally Mike and I get our own table and sit down to eat, finally coming to the conclusion that they’re not showing up.

Mike: “Crap…I forgot about my car payment….shit. Well, oh well.”

Me: Mike, what do you exactly have to go towards our bills this week?

Mike: Well…I can pretty much cover my half of our storage bill and the rest will have to wait until next week. Its okay since my check will be $200.00

Me: Yeah, but between your Mom and the car payment your going to need $225.00 atleast.

Mike: Yeah, its okay. I’ve spent $60 atleast on your birthday alone this week though (not complaining, just giving me that look that says my birthday is worth it).

Me: (grabbing his hand from across the table) “Thank you. I love you”.

I’m a loser….a pathetic loser at that. What am I supposed to say? We’re eating at a nice restaurant and he’s paying and if it wasn’t for him it would be a miserable afternoon. He’s right…it is worth it, right? But rent…the car payment? Fuck it. I’m just going to enjoy this moment. This is my birthday and I’m not going to worry about him not doing what he promised he would right now. I’m just going to feel special for the moment instead.

Sunday Night: Visiting With Loved Ones

I’ll have to make another post for this w/ background info and such…too much involved to add it here.