Okay. Its time for me to process some things if I can. To play catch up and hopefully not spend too much time rambling by the end of it. Today, as I will continue to do every Wednesday morning for the next two months or so, I got up at 6 am and caught the van to attend “Healthy Relationships” Group where you deal with issues such as co-dependency, domestic violence, etc…whatever applies to your current relationships. I dreaded it. As soon as I opened my eyes I thought about how I really didn’t feel well and maybe that is enough to not go. But the alarm kept buzzing after a while with every time I hit “snooze”. So I forced myself up, shoved two cups of coffee down, and walked out when I heard the honk of the van horn.

Carol (Group Leader): Okay guys, have you seen this movie, I thought I would have us watch it? Its called “Adult Children of Alcoholics”.

Me: Yeah, I’ve seen it. I took this group once before and really watching it again right now is really just going to depress me.

She understands and we sit down to discuss my reasoning. I explain that my little sister has started drinking on a nightly basis. And I explain how this disease has destroyed my entire family. I explain how James, my oldest brother, just got a year’s probation in Arizona when he got caught with paraphanelia and with shoplifting. I explain how his hotel room was loaded with luggage he’d stolen from airports all around Scottsdale when my brother-in-law went to clean it out. I explain how my siblings and I were pissed that he’s only gotten a year’s probation because we were really hoping he’d go to prison for a while so he wouldn’t die of a heroin overdose anytime soon. I explain that my second oldest brother is off heroin but steadily drinking himself into oblivion. I explain, on a good note, that my twin brother has been off heroin for two years (thank God for that). I explain how our mother looks like a walking holocaust victim due to her years of drinking and consuming drugs.

Then I get to Sunday night. How Mike said that he wouldn’t have his half for the car payment but that he had spent $60 on my birthday to counter it.  It did make me feel rather loved.  I explain that my sister is back with my two baby niece’s biological father. He’s been clean off of heroin for over a year but still drinks quite heavily. Now my little sister herself is drinking quite heavily. Now my boyfriend is having issues with the sickness.

Nope…don’t want to watch the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” video. I understand the dynamics of the alcoholic family all too well. But I loved seeing my little sister and my baby nieces on Sunday. They’re so little and perfect. They seem well adjusted but I know that hearing their Mom (my little sister) say things like, “Your Daddy doesn’t love you, you’re never going to see him again because he doesn’t love you”, when they get in fights in front of the girls isn’t healthy. They will be affected when they get older. It’ll start to show. It’ll wear them down. Roselynn just turned three in December so she’s old enough to start carrying these memories. Cheyenne just turned 2 a few weeks ago and she really needs not to fall asleep at night to her parents, drunk and screaming at each other…breaking things. The child spent her first 5 months of life in a homeless shelter with her Mom and older sister because her Daddy couldn’t get off the junk.

But I love my sister with all my heart no matter the mistakes she has made. I gave her a hug goodbye on Sunday and I really hope to see her again soon. She offered me some Bacardi Silver which is kind of ironic since it’s exactly what I used to get smashed on when I was her age. I explain to her that I can’t drink on account of my medication…how it counteracts with any psychotropic medication. Shes shocked and I’m shocked she doesn’t know. I talked to her about Mike and stated “Of all people, you would think I’d be the last one to end up with a drunk.” She nodded. I’m very much against the alcoholism. I haven’t spoken to my own mother in two years because of her addiction and how she treats her children as a result. But now Mike? How didn’t I see this coming? Why couldn’t I be enough to break this cycle?

In group the conclusion was that I’m not ready to leave him. Its not come to that point. I keep thinking about my twin brother and how he’s been clean for two years. He went from hitting rock bottom, homeless with nothing, to having a good job and doing rather well for himself despite all of it today. I stuck by him through all of it. I fought with his counselor to get him into the perfect rehab center. I fought to find him a halfway house so he could get back on his feet. I found the answers but he did the work and I’m sooo proud of him. Especially with his fiance and best friend in the ground, losing their own battle with the junk. His best friend had been my own when we were kids, growing up. God, where does it end? Should I go back to alanon? Would it matter? What now? I want to stick by Mike just like I stuck by Stephen. I want to believe that after almost 6 years together, if we’ve made it past my years in counseling, the PTSD, the dissociation, the 11 or so hospitalizations in 18 months, then for Christ’s sake, can’t we make it past this?