I’ve been really down on myself today over an inner conflict I’m having. The responses I’ve gotten back from my many emails and comments to other survivors have really helped though. I feel like I’ve helped a few people out and in turn they’ve helped me. It means a lot to know that just maybe I made someone out there somewhere smile. Its the point after all.
Earlier today Mike, my significant other of the past 6 years let me know that he plans to spend almost $100/mon on pot. Woah. Woah a lot. I had no idea that he’d been spending that much??? When don’t have a joint checking account or anything. So, I really have no way of knowing.
So today there were lots of thoughts of:
“I’m such an idiot. Me of ALL people…I’m with an addict? ME??? How could I let this happen? How could I be so blind? Why didn’t I see this coming?
I feel like a failure to my own belief system. I keep thinking back to the Al-anon meetings I attended years ago when my twin brother was hooked on heroin and how I never understood these women who came to these meetings every week complaining about their husbands getting smashed and doing this or that, or the other thing. I never understood why they would ever put up with that? With Stephen it was different, he was my twin brother, my blood. I could never give up on him, never. But they were just putting up with these jack asses? And now I’m with a guy who suddenly tells me after 6 years of being together that he’s spending $45 every other week on reefer. Reality check for me. I always said I never again in my life would live with drugs or drinking…not after growing up around my mom. And now….
More Thoughts to Myself:
**Dah-Dah! Mike becomes a druggy! It’s official! Woo-hoo! Welcome back home! Did you really think you could escape? It’s in your blood. If you don’t end up a addict yourself then you’ll find someone who is. Its the way it goes with the disease. It lives and breaths almost with a life force of its own! You will never escape. Mwah ha ha ha!**
LoL…sorry. Had do go with some sarcasm. I must see the humor in this really. It is funny isn’t it? So now what?
- I’m having him write out his “number crunching” on paper for me so that I can compare it with reality
- I’m starting a savings account next week to save for what might be my own place.
- I’m spending tomorrow getting my finances in order and looking ahead at how much I can save over the next several months. What I need to cut back on, etc.
- I’m going to start doing some research on addiction to add it to my Drug & Alcohol Abuse page over at Help4Trauma.org. I’ve been meaning to do this forever anyway and this is just the motivation I need. I’d like to do a causal analysis on the affect trauma has on an individuals predisposition for substance abuse. I need to see facts to get it through my thick skull that this isn’t going to go away. I need to look at this objectively to weigh out my options of what I can do to help Mike and I.
- I need to work in group in the morning on what I can do in confronting Mike with this issue and how to prepare myself for his denial.
- I need to stop putting myself down about it. This isn’t my fault. Just like it wasn’t my fault when my Mom drank her life away before my eyes growing up. I can’t change it but I can take action to control how it affects my life.
- I need to call Stephen and the rest of those who I can depend on for support and get there advice or just to have them listen.
Okay then…its settled. Thank you to everyone who’s emailed me back or commented on my efforts with this site. You all have really brightened my day.
Hope Sent
~ Ani
June 8, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Ani,
Thanks for all your support yesterday.
You wrote:
“Reality check for me.I always said I never again in my life would live with drugs or drinking…not after growing up around my mom. And now….”
There are some relationships that are so important that we just don’t see things that are too hard to see. But what feels like a failure to you here, from my perspective, looks more like a success.Your awareness is growing. Some people never even get this far.I know it’s hard, but you’re doing everything you can think of to take care of yourself. Try not to be too hard on yourself.This all takes time.
June 8, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Dear Ani
For some reason when we grow up with stuff like alcoholism and drug addiction it seems to keep following you around. We still have siblings addicted, friends, children of friends, nieces, nephews, it seems to never end. We struggled with trying to help them over and over until we finally realized they had to want to help themselves first. It is very hard to accept when they have no desire to change.
thinking of you
keepers and john
June 8, 2007 at 7:45 pm
your awareness has peaked and that is good. and M talked to you. that is even better. i know it is hard not to blame yourself for it, but knowing that it isn’t your fault is so important. also M is different than your own mother. we agree with keepers on it is hard to help some one if they aren’t willing to look at the issue too.
it is awesome that you have a plan and working on it too, looking up info and all. you are helping yourself and M.
take care and know you are in our thoughts …
June 9, 2007 at 5:45 pm
hi ani!
boy have i been there before. i can say now i finally am with a man who wants to be with me enough that he is willing to make some changes. and has made some real ones.
i have too, i hope.
i think real change takes practice. more than just light on the problem, and changes in ones thinking. those are like the seeds, but they have to grow and take root.
sorry i havent been around since whenever it was. have a few seeds of my own been tending.
your blog is cetainly looking good.
kïrstin♫