My Dissonance

Two years ago all three of them were addicted to heroin and actively using. At the same time our mother is an alcoholic and is still actively drinking herself into oblivion. In June of 2003 my twin brother’s fiance overdosed on heroin and died. She was buried on what would have been her 25 birthday. She had a five year old daughter who now grows up without a mother because of this disease. This young woman had just gotten out of rehab and was living in a halfway house when she was found dead by her roomate. She had just wanted one last fix because she was facing jail time for robbery and possession and well…her heart couldn’t take it her one last time.

My twin brother stopped for a while. But soon he started back up again. Jeremy and Arthur, my two older brothers, never stopped. Then in September of 2004 Stephen’s best friend was found dead by her mother from a heroin overdose. She almost made it to 24. When I was a young teenager she was my best friend and we did a lot of drugs together until I was 15 and quit cold turkey because it just wasn’t worth it or fun to me anymore. Its a miracle I stopped because after that is when the heroin came into play. She died. Stephen was clean for a while but again started back up.

Finally then that summer Stephen called me and told me he needed help and that he was serious this time. He’d had lost his job and the roof he’d kept over his head until that point. He had a $100/day habit. He was very sick from the withdrawal. So he was admitted then into a hospital to dry out, then worked his way into rehab, then ended up in a half way house for recovering addicts. He found a job and now he’s been clean for the past 2 years. Thank God. Because theres no old junkies. You either die or you quit.

Our older brother Arthur eventually quit but still drinks himself into a mindless stupor every night. But still he’s holding a job, actively caring for his son, and keeping a roof over his head. Compared to where he was — practically homeless — I’m very proud of him. Its not easy after you come face to face with this junk that poisons your body and spirit.

Then theres Jeremy. Jeremy, I found out earlier this week, is dying. Hes 35 years old and living out of a motel. He spends his time stealing luggage from airports to support his habit. His skin is broken out with ulcers and sores, including on his face, because in the end fazes of heroin addiction it just eats up your whole body. He’s malnourished and dehydrated. His entire leg is horribly infected from some sort of insect bite that his body can’t fight it off because he’s so worn down. When he gave a urine sample at the hospital it was discolored…reddish. This means his kidneys are messing up. He’s apparently diabetic and he’s not taking care of that either.

He was supposed to be admitted Monday so that they could pump some heavy antibiotics and fluids into him for a few days to kill the infection so he won’t lose his leg, his life, or both. But it didn’t happen because 1) He doesn’t want to be in the hospital because he’ll have no access to the junk; and 2) because he doesn’t have insurance and if he doesn’t want the help they aren’t going to make him help himself.

Jeremy lives in Arizona along with my older sister Tiffany. Tiffany is a nurse so she can pretty much tell wants going on with him physically. So far he thinks its funny.

Our mother is in the final stages of alcoholism. We don’t know how she’s still alive but she is. Shes only in her upper 50’s but looks like she’s in her 70’s. Her teeth are falling out and physically she looks like a halocaust victim. I didn’t find out she was in the final stages until earlier this week at the time of also finding out about Jeremy.

So I cry and walk around feeling lost, in a daze and in shock.

My fiance, my boyfriend of 6 years, has slowly plummeted into his own addiction to marijuana. People say marijuana isn’t addictive, but thats bullshit. Anything is addictive, period — sex, food, gambling, all of it. He, my boyfriend, is spending almost $100 dollars a month on pot when we’re currently living with his mother trying to save up for our own place. He told me on Sunday when I tried to talk with him about all of this, that he was spending more than this amount on alcohol before we lost our apartment. I had no idea because we used my money to pay bills and his to do whatever with. Now that we’re going halves on bills he can’t deny where his money is going. He tells me, “I don’t like someone telling me what I can and can’t afford — everyone has their vices”. ::sigh::

So this is all a pretty fairly new development. It first popped up a few months ago when I realized how bad he’d gotten and threatened to leave him. Then he seemed to be doing better. Then Sunday reality slapped me back into the place I’ve remained since finding all this out.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything. So I feel that my mother’s and brother’s deterioration along with my boyfriends is all connected in the grand theme of things. God has placed these things in my life so that I can learn something from them. So now, I’m really just walking around in shock, praying that God give me strength and direction in doing whats best for me and where I need to go in my life. Once the shock subsides and I can think more clearly I’ll decide more of a plan of action.

Heroin addition…alcoholism…pot addiction. It all leads to the same eventual mentality. Always. It all ties together into the same irrational behavior. Some drugs are more dangerous than others obviously. But the affect they have on an addicts mentality remains the same. Its the same escape plan that leads them no where. And eventually, if they ever figure out the nature of the war they’re fighting, sometimes they can leave it behind. But in cases such as my mothers and brothers they die. Its senseless and beyond frustrating. I don’t know how to exactly describe what its like spending my life watching loved ones slowly kill themselves and to not have the power to make them see what they’re doing.