I ended up leaving for my sisters last Thursday night instead of Sunday because the kid’s Dad decided to slit his wrist and cut his arms up in front of my sister (the children included) and then simply look at my sister and ask, “Can I stay here now?” He knew I was coming to stay so I guess that was his last desperate attempt to have a roof over his head. How pathetic, the whole situation made my stomach turn. The girls where at the neighbors and they’d shipped him off to mental health when my sister and I got back that night. The oldest, Rose, was hyperventilating she was so terrified when I went and got them from the neighbors house. She’s 3 1/2 years old and the next day she talked about her Daddy cutting up his arms and how all the lights outside scared her (police and ambulance). His blood was still splattered all over the bathroom floor along with the butcher knife he used. We didn’t let the girls back in there until my sister cleaned it up. It was all so disgusting - his behavior. I spent all Friday nauseated.

I left to spend the weekend in Columbus with my older brother, who I hadn’t seen in two years because of his heroin addiction. He’s clean off of that but still a drunk. Saturday I watched while he and his girlfriend played this game where they drank a shot of beer every minute for an hour straight to see what would happen. I kept track of the time and felt like I was babysitting teenagers even though my brother is 35 years old. I felt kind of sadistic that I thought it was amusing, telling them every 60 seconds, “Okay, have at it”. Wow, it was…weird. Heres my older brother, a guy I always looked up to when I was a kid. And, its just mind-boggling how he’ll never grow up. The best I could do was humor him.

I’ve stopped by here for the weekend to pack up the rest of my stuff. I’m waiting on my sister to call me back to let me know if she can help me to get my stuff from here back to her place. So far I have five huge boxes and more to come. Then there are Mikes boxes that I separated that stuff from. Then there are boxes from the ex-husband of Mike’s mother that he still hasn’t picked up since their divorce. Its a mess but organized. But I’ve gotten everything for the most part. I found where my summer clothes where bagged thank god! I’ve been walking around like a weirdo in long sleeves when it’s 80 degree’s outside. I love the warm weather! Makes me so happy.

I’ll be staying with my sister until the end of August. She’s already gotten the girls in a home daycare that a woman runs in accordance to income. Apparently this woman was once a single mother of two so she started this daycare out of her home to help other women once in her situation. The girls love it there so far. I can’t wait to get my sister’s internet turned on. I’ve been naturally depressed with Mike and I’s breakup though so I don’t know how much I’ll be online when she does get it. I felt so overwhelmed when I got here yesterday evening. But I feel better now that I’ve gotten some things accomplished.

Mike’s Mom and I talked last night and she gave me a hug and told me to not worry about anything thats going on here and to just focus on myself. Its hard to not want to help Mike but theres really nothing I can do. I know that on a mental level, I just need to learn it in my heart. He tried to tell me earlier this week that “I don’t know if it means anything to you or Mom but I didn’t buy anything this week (pot) because I can afford it”. But guess what he left out last night since he didn’t know I was coming? I stopped by on Thursday to grab my mail and pick up some money that he owed me for his credit card bill and car insurance (not including the $200 from rent to his mom, his car payment, etc) and I smelled pot then when I came downstairs, here in the basement. So I suspected, but now I know that he flat out lied to me, trying to make it sound as if he was “trying” and “poor me, I can’t afford my pot”.

I wanted to flush it down the toilet and argue with him when he came home last night from his band practice. But I was asleep on the couch down here when he woke me up, and I was exhausted, and my heart wasn’t in it so we just kind of made small talk. I haven’t mentioned it to him yet. No that it would even matter if I did. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going to go. I’ve got some more things that I need to sort through.

Hope Sent,

~ Ani