So this is what I told Mike last Thursday (Aug 9, 2007) at around 8:30 PM, in regards to his chances of my ever taking him back:
“So, you don’t understand why in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times its like you just lost all control.? Exactly. Thats the point. So why in the past month should it count that you’ve smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted you a week and a half? Its enough now. But eventually it won’t be. Thats just how it goes. No more beer. No more pot. Fast food and spending reasonably limited. If you can stop all of it now and look me in the eyes and tell me that you won’t touch it again than I’ll give you another chance. Other wise it’ll just happen again.
If talking to me and your friends is enough to help you through then thats okay. But if you need help from someone its okay to go elsewhere like (name edited - outpatient addiction program) or even my twin brother - people who’ve quit it all for years for one reason or another. Because they didn’t all steal and prostitute themselves. Sometimes it took losing their homes and their wives and their families. Isn’t that whats happened to you? So eventually when keeping me, and your van, and your health starts to become not enough — because it will — and you feel like you need it to cope, than you can go to them for advice on how to get yourself back on track.
Otherwise you’ll eventually spend months binging on pot, alcohol, fast food, and/or anything else because thats how it goes. Because you’re only human and this is an “inner-demon” of sorts that you have to face and deal with (like we all have to do from time to time). Because it won’t go away. Otherwise we wouldn’t be where we are now. Otherwise I can’t trust you. Because its all always the same. And theres nothing you or anyone else can do to prove otherwise.
So there it is and here I am. Its your choice. If all this is an issue and it means that much to you to keep going than you prove my exact point. You’re playing Russian Roulette and you’re standing their with a gun pointed at your head telling me you never lose? Its okay to drive drunk–you’ve never been caught? Its okay to get caught with weed–you only get a ticket? Then its okay to lose me now–because its only a matter of time before you do if I give you another chance.
I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and this is my final stance. I’ve sent this so you not only so you can hear me but can see where I’m coming from. Please give me a call and tell me what you think. I’ll be waiting in the meantime.
Love Sent,
~ (Name Edited)”
His answer: “Okay”.
My reaction: Shock. I’d assumed he’d never in a million years even consider it and call me up to argue about it. At least thats what I’d been preparing myself for.
So I’ve given him another chance though we’re still taking things very slow. I’m still hurt. I’m still going to live on my own for at least the next year that way if, in say six months from now, he decides to drink himself into oblivion then he won’t be taking me down financially with him. He’s shown a lot of progress. Maybe he’s right and my leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done. The 31st of this month — two and a half weeks from now will mark our official 6 year anniversary. We’ll be celebrating and then the next day we’ll spend getting me moved into my new place. Its all so strange really how things happen isn’t it? I’ll be spending tonight and tomorrow night with him so there will be most likely no more updates til Friday afternoon/evening.
Wish us luck.
Hope Sent,
~ Ani
Two weeks from this Friday I’ll be living in my own apartment, back in my hometown. My twin brother will be living right down the hall. I’ll be a decent walk from the library (I can spend hours in that library so this excites me) and from the bus stop going west of my apartment and I’ll be another decent walk from the community support center going east of my apartment. I’m so, so excited I can’t stand it! Yesterday I got my Gevalia coffee maker in the mail, for my new place. They have the sweetest deal that they somehow expect people not to take advantage of?
Go to gevalia.com. Sign up for their “Gevalia Kaffe” deal where you pay $14.95 in order to get their:
- 12-Cup Programmable Stainless Steel Coffee Maker and Gevalia Coffee Scoop absolutely FREE.
- Choose two packages of coffee/tea from their 40 different types.
- Once they ship it in the mail call 1-800-GEVALIA and cancel your account/membership with them (If you don’t they’ll keep sending you stuff every 6 weeks that you’re expected to pay for).
And there you have it — free, high quality coffee maker and tea/coffee for 14.95. It makes me happy. I called and canceled my account with them yesterday as soon as I opened the package and saw that the coffee maker, tea, coffee, coffee scoop, was all there. Plus I went ahead and bought a package of their coffee filters for 2 more dollars because why not — its still a great deal. You CAN use regular coffee filters available at any grocery store, although they’ll try to make you think otherwise because of the awkward shape of their own filters. I use regular ones with my sister’s gevalia coffee maker all the time since I’ve been staying here and they work wonderfully.
So, yeah…all of it came to a TOTAL of: $16.95 (including shipping and handling).
Can you beat that? Of coarse not. So yeah, this makes me happy. You should try it. Really you should.
Hope Sent,
~ Ani
My doctors appointment is set for about an hour from now. I can’t wait to get this over with so that I can get rid of this horrid cough, congestion, and heaviness in my head and body. When I get back from my doctor’s and then my therapy appointment I’m going to work on updating the survivor blogs and such. And probably an update on whatever I manage to work on with my therapist. An eventful day indeed (sarcasm)!
Hope Sent,
~ Ani
I just went through my records for new survivor blogs, adding to it from new sites that I came across yesterday. Twenty new blogs, just like that. That makes just over 100 survivor blogs since I first started searching the net for this project in June. Quite a few of the survivor-bloggers I’ve yet to contact regarding this little project. But adding them last night, one survivor after another, it was almost kind of eerie. I got the same feeling when I researched the dozens of children who have died as a result of violence across the state of Indiana. That research was for a charity that I started last month, just after getting a lot of the initial work done for this project.
I kept getting the sense of all these names and faces crying out to me for validation:
“See me. I’m here, I’m REAL. I exist…and I’ve suffered in ways you could never imagine. Most of all REMEMBER me. Don’t forget that all of this happened. Don’t leave me behind…”
Twenty-one new blogs, written by survivors of childhood abuse, have officially been added to my Survivor Pages. This makes for a total of 80 currently listed! The Survivor Blogs are now each divided according to their specific blog hosting services, or blogging communities. I’ve done this to help unite members of individual blogging communities. For example, through hosting services such as LiveJournal, individuals can send friend invites to other LJ members. Here at wordpress.com we can easily subscribe to each other’s blogs through our WordPress BlogSurfers, and keep in contact. Just click on the icons here to surf through the listings. Enjoy!
Note: My contact information is listed below. Please, if you know of any survivor blogs that you think might be helpful, or if you own one that isn’t yet listed, please let me know.
–
Ani Star
My Dissonance
URL: http://withdissonance.net
Email: anistar@withdissonance.net
Its 5 am and I can’t seem to be able to fall asleep. Maybe because I’ve been sleeping on and off all day, battling this bout with bronchitis? I’ve searched through blogs earlier this evening and tonight — and found about 13 sites that I’ll be adding to my ‘Survivor Blog Listings’ page, hopefully by the end of tomorrow… or this coming evening … whatever.
I’ve caught up on going through, and archiving, and responding to my emails at anistar@withdissonance.net that has been building up since June. I’ve caught up on subscribing to your blogs and reading through those of you hosted here at wordpress. As for the rest who are hosted on blogger and such, I’ll be doing my best to stay in touch through bloglines. Though there are a few of you who have no feeds to speak of?
If any of you know of any abuse-survivor-related blogs not yet listed PLEASE let me know, either through a comment or through email. I’m thinking of maybe searching for sites of survivor-related poetry sometime in the future. I can’t have my only ‘Survivor Page(s)’ be the blog listings? Otherwise it wouldn’t be headed ‘Survivor Pages’?
Final Thought… do any of you know of any home-remedies for bronchial congestion that I can try until I go to my Dr’s appointment on Tuesday? This stuff is really killing me. I missed group therapy today and thats the second week in a row. I also never went and ran the erands I’ve needed to. Just no energy.
Hope Sent,
~ Ani
Me:
“You’ve torn my fucking heart out and it still hurts. I feel like I lost you months ago. You don’t know how many times I lay next to you at night crying myself to sleep.”
“I can’t go through this with you every 4 to 6 years.”
“I think this problem (addiction) is bigger than you realize. Think about it?”
“I think you need to talk to people who’ve been where you are right now (group therapy).”
“I’m proud of you for the changes you’ve made but it’s only been a month and a half. Things are good now but next week it could all go to hell. And then where would that leave me? It going to take me time and seeing you make changes during said time for me to be able to feel that I can trust you again.”
“You cant do this for me or even us. You have to do this for yourself.”
“If you went to a group, what would you tell them: That you’ve lost everything. And why have you lost everything? Its not just the pot and the alcohol, its in everything you do. The food, the spending …. all of it.”
Mike:
“I’m sorry.”
“I know that.”
“I can do this on my own, with talking to friends and you, and focusing on my music, etc.”
“I’m trying to be a whole new person. But all this is going to take me time.”
“If I go to one of these groups its going to be a joke. I don’t belong in a group with a bunch of junkies that steal from their families, prostitute themselves, etc.”
“I know I’ve got to make it out of this for myself, and I will, but its won’t mean as much if your not there.”
“I don’t expect you to trust me but it means a lot that you’d even thinking of giving me another chance.”
“I know I’ve lost everything. I don’t understand why sometimes in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times I’ve just lost all control? In the past month though I’ve only smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted me a week and a half.”
My Possible Last Words:
Exactly. Thats the point. You don’t understand why in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times its like you just lost all control. So why in the past month should it count that you’ve smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted you a week and a half. Its enough now. But eventually it won’t be. Thats just how it goes. If you can stop all of it now and look me in the eyes and tell me that you won’t touch it again than I’ll give you another chance. Other wise it’ll just happen again.
If talking to me and your friends is enough to help you through then thats okay. But if you need help from someone its okay to go elsewhere like AA or even my twin brother - people who’ve quit it all for years for one reason or another. Because they didn’t all steal and prostitute themselves. Sometimes it took losing their homes and their wives and their families. Isn’t that whats happened to you? So eventually when keeping me, and your van, and your health starts to become not enough — because it will — and you feel like you need it to cope, than you can go to them for advice on how to get yourself back on track.
Otherwise you’ll eventually spend months binging on pot, alcohol, fast food, and anything else because thats how it goes. Otherwise we wouldn’t be where we are now. Otherwise I can’t trust you. Because its all always the same. And theres nothing you or anyone else can do to prove otherwise. So there it is and here I am. Its your choice. If all this is an issue and it means that much to you to keep going than you prove my exact point. Your playing Russian Roulette and your standing their with a gun pointed at your head telling me you never lose? Its okay to drive drunk–you’ve never been caught? Its okay to get caught with weed–you only get a ticket? Then its okay to lose me now–because its only a matter of time before you do if I give you another chance.
“Modern Home Purple Mum Comforter Set”
From Target
This came in the mail today! Since I’m giving Mike our old bed with it’s blanket and pillows I bought myself this. The building owner of the apartment I’m moving into is selling me a practically new full-sized bed for $100 dollar. Awesome deal. So I’ve bought this to go with it (also on sale). It makes me excited so I just thought I’d share. Purple is my favorite color.
~ Ani
PS: Yeah, I have no life. Do any of us really? LoL.
I started a post earlier and figured out that I felt paralyzed because there was some past information in past posts that could identify me as a person - my real name, side projects, etc. So I deleted said posts and edited other possible identifiable information. The point of this blog was to be anonymous. To be safe from judgment from family, friends, acquaintances. But to be able to reach out and help others and to be helped in the process. So now I don’t feel so paralyzed.
Its silly in other online projects I’m quite open about my full name, location, etc as a survivor. But somehow I feel that I still need a place somewhere where I can go and not be reachable in a concrete way. Where I won’t have my volunteer work online mixed with my personal life - thats the best way that I know how to explain it. You can’t reach me through myspace.com, know where I’m from, look into my eyes and say:
“I see you” and I know all about your heroin addicted brother, and your druggy ex-boyfriend, and how can you claim to be a “survivor” and still have all these issues? How can you give others advice? You really expect people to work with you about their healing when your still so ate up its just sad? You still can’t hold a job and you barely made it through spring quarter? WTF? Fake! Fake! You don’t have it all together at all!”
I’m probably not making any sense? Oh well. At least this helps me to see my fears and laugh about them…make fun of them. But still expose them. I can be human and flawed. And you don’t know me. And its okay.
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