Me:

“You’ve torn my fucking heart out and it still hurts. I feel like I lost you months ago. You don’t know how many times I lay next to you at night crying myself to sleep.”

“I can’t go through this with you every 4 to 6 years.”

“I think this problem (addiction) is bigger than you realize. Think about it?”

“I think you need to talk to people who’ve been where you are right now (group therapy).”

“I’m proud of you for the changes you’ve made but it’s only been a month and a half. Things are good now but next week it could all go to hell. And then where would that leave me? It going to take me time and seeing you make changes during said time for me to be able to feel that I can trust you again.”

“You cant do this for me or even us. You have to do this for yourself.”

“If you went to a group, what would you tell them: That you’ve lost everything. And why have you lost everything? Its not just the pot and the alcohol, its in everything you do. The food, the spending …. all of it.”

Mike:

“I’m sorry.”

“I know that.”

“I can do this on my own, with talking to friends and you, and focusing on my music, etc.”

“I’m trying to be a whole new person. But all this is going to take me time.”

“If I go to one of these groups its going to be a joke. I don’t belong in a group with a bunch of junkies that steal from their families, prostitute themselves, etc.”

“I know I’ve got to make it out of this for myself, and I will, but its won’t mean as much if your not there.”

“I don’t expect you to trust me but it means a lot that you’d even thinking of giving me another chance.”

“I know I’ve lost everything. I don’t understand why sometimes in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times I’ve just lost all control? In the past month though I’ve only smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted me a week and a half.”

My Possible Last Words:

Exactly. Thats the point. You don’t understand why in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times its like you just lost all control. So why in the past month should it count that you’ve smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted you a week and a half. Its enough now. But eventually it won’t be. Thats just how it goes. If you can stop all of it now and look me in the eyes and tell me that you won’t touch it again than I’ll give you another chance. Other wise it’ll just happen again.

If talking to me and your friends is enough to help you through then thats okay. But if you need help from someone its okay to go elsewhere like AA or even my twin brother - people who’ve quit it all for years for one reason or another. Because they didn’t all steal and prostitute themselves. Sometimes it took losing their homes and their wives and their families. Isn’t that whats happened to you? So eventually when keeping me, and your van, and your health starts to become not enough — because it will — and you feel like you need it to cope, than you can go to them for advice on how to get yourself back on track.

Otherwise you’ll eventually spend months binging on pot, alcohol, fast food, and anything else because thats how it goes. Otherwise we wouldn’t be where we are now. Otherwise I can’t trust you. Because its all always the same. And theres nothing you or anyone else can do to prove otherwise. So there it is and here I am. Its your choice. If all this is an issue and it means that much to you to keep going than you prove my exact point. Your playing Russian Roulette and your standing their with a gun pointed at your head telling me you never lose? Its okay to drive drunk–you’ve never been caught? Its okay to get caught with weed–you only get a ticket? Then its okay to lose me now–because its only a matter of time before you do if I give you another chance.