So this is what I told Mike last Thursday (Aug 9, 2007) at around 8:30 PM, in regards to his chances of my ever taking him back:

“So, you don’t understand why in the past 2 beers has been enough and other times its like you just lost all control.? Exactly. Thats the point. So why in the past month should it count that you’ve smoked pot a total of two times and a six pack has lasted you a week and a half? Its enough now. But eventually it won’t be. Thats just how it goes. No more beer. No more pot. Fast food and spending reasonably limited. If you can stop all of it now and look me in the eyes and tell me that you won’t touch it again than I’ll give you another chance. Other wise it’ll just happen again.

If talking to me and your friends is enough to help you through then thats okay. But if you need help from someone its okay to go elsewhere like (name edited - outpatient addiction program) or even my twin brother - people who’ve quit it all for years for one reason or another. Because they didn’t all steal and prostitute themselves. Sometimes it took losing their homes and their wives and their families. Isn’t that whats happened to you? So eventually when keeping me, and your van, and your health starts to become not enough — because it will — and you feel like you need it to cope, than you can go to them for advice on how to get yourself back on track.

Otherwise you’ll eventually spend months binging on pot, alcohol, fast food, and/or anything else because thats how it goes. Because you’re only human and this is an “inner-demon” of sorts that you have to face and deal with (like we all have to do from time to time). Because it won’t go away. Otherwise we wouldn’t be where we are now. Otherwise I can’t trust you. Because its all always the same. And theres nothing you or anyone else can do to prove otherwise.

So there it is and here I am. Its your choice. If all this is an issue and it means that much to you to keep going than you prove my exact point. You’re playing Russian Roulette and you’re standing their with a gun pointed at your head telling me you never lose? Its okay to drive drunk–you’ve never been caught? Its okay to get caught with weed–you only get a ticket? Then its okay to lose me now–because its only a matter of time before you do if I give you another chance.

I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and this is my final stance. I’ve sent this so you not only so you can hear me but can see where I’m coming from. Please give me a call and tell me what you think. I’ll be waiting in the meantime.

Love Sent,
~ (Name Edited)”


His answer: “Okay”.

My reaction: Shock. I’d assumed he’d never in a million years even consider it and call me up to argue about it. At least thats what I’d been preparing myself for.

So I’ve given him another chance though we’re still taking things very slow. I’m still hurt. I’m still going to live on my own for at least the next year that way if, in say six months from now, he decides to drink himself into oblivion then he won’t be taking me down financially with him. He’s shown a lot of progress. Maybe he’s right and my leaving him was the best thing I could have ever done. The 31st of this month — two and a half weeks from now will mark our official 6 year anniversary. We’ll be celebrating and then the next day we’ll spend getting me moved into my new place. Its all so strange really how things happen isn’t it? I’ll be spending tonight and tomorrow night with him so there will be most likely no more updates til Friday afternoon/evening.

Wish us luck.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani