My Dissonance

This week has been challenging. The IRRT (Imagery Rescripting & Reprocessing - experimental therapy for trauma I started last week) Therapy really threw me for a loop — along with hearing about my uncle who sexually abused me growing up through out the past few weeks. My little sister, Bethany, recounted to me a conversation between my older brother and Mom (who I no longer speak to) regarding finding out about what my uncle did to me. Then my brother-in-law, Rod, recounted to me about how my uncle used to try to get my older sister and him to allow my Uncle M. to babysit for them with their daughter - my little niece. Rod said he always told Uncle M. no, and then when the truth came out about my uncle, via me telling my family, Rod knew that he had been right about why not to leave his daughter alone with the sick bastard. Thank God he listened to his instincts!!

Since my little sister, Bethany, moved out of our moms after Mom attacked her (details here) I’ve worried about how long it will actually be until the woman actually gets to see Bethany and my baby nieces again. Bethany had a habit of leaving her children alone with our mom, unsupervised, and it frightens me to think, “Will she do it again eventually?” Even though Bethany has been warned about how sick our mom is, will she feel bad and leave them with her again? My twin brother and I know better than to ever leave that woman alone with any child. My father himself said that if Mom ever did anything to hurt the little ones he would try and take them in, to take care of them (even though his own wife hit my oldest niece in one instance — so hard that it bruised her ::sigh::).

They just need to be SAFE. They’re beautiful little girls — only 2 1/2 and almost 4-years-old! They deserve a stable environment, just as all children do. Will my little sister cave in, because it’s “easier said then done” as she explained to me once when I told her I’d never let my children alone with that woman? I’ve thought about calling Adult Protective Services to have my Mom accessed but she isn’t old enough yet to be eligible for it according to my caseworker. In the past I’ve come close to calling Children’s Services atleast regarding what my mom did to me, so their would be some record of abuse if she ever did anything to those babies. But my little sister, twin brother, and even Mike at the time, seriously advised me against it. And after wrestling with the Children Services where my Uncle lives in SC, regarding the suspected abuse of his own son — and nothing coming of it — I thought to myself, “How will this be any different?”

With the IRRT therapy, reminders of my uncle, and worrying about my neices safety I started having dissociative episodes earlier this week. My twin brother and my case worker were nice and checked up on me Thursday afternoon and Friday morning. I was having trouble sleeping, having thoughts that my Uncle was going to come to Ohio, break into my apartment, and hurt me for telling my family the truth about him. I keep a knife in between my mattress and box-spring mattress of my bed. It helps me feel safe for if I ever wake up to some freak standing over me for any reason. I’ve just floated through this past week really. There’s been a lot of internal discussion in my mind thats gotten louder than usual - loud communicating through the thoughts of my alters. Bad times indeed.

But through it I’ve taken decent care of myself and now I’m feeling better. I’ve now got my therapists cellphone number in case of emergencies. She felt bad for ever having tried the IRRT therapy with me, but I told her it was just as much my decision as it was her own.

In the end, this whole experience as a whole — it all helps me feel more secure. Because the important thing is that it’s all really shown me that I can take care of myself when things get bad. I can get to where I need to be. I won’t just fall apart at the drop of a hat as it once seemed in the past. I’m stronger. I’m more confident. I’m stable and functioning.

I tossed and turned last night, trying to sleep again. But I got up at around 1:30am and I drunk some warm milk. I laid back down then and was able to get to sleep finally. And that’s really all that matters.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Tuesday I spent 2 hours with my therapist and we did our first session together working with the IRRT therapy. I went through a memory of abuse experienced in my childhood, describing it as if it was happening — how I felt.  She asked me periodically during this what my comfort level was - 0 being most comfortable to 100 being least comfortable.

She took note of my least comfortable moment during the memory and then I started over again only this time it was tape recorded. When I got to the least comfortable part of the memory, as I initially described it, she had me imagine myself as an adult today, stepping in and imagining what I would do. So I described what I would do in great detail and it was all recorded on tape. By the end I was crying, which I think I’ve only done a total of twice through out the past 2 1/2 years working with her.  I’ve practiced the technique in the past during flashbacks of going in my head as an adult and rescuing myself.  But I’ve never spent an hour and 1/2 going through it with someone else guiding me.

It was quite cathartic but when I got home I found that my twin brother didn’t have a miniature tape player as I thought he had, so I haven’t been able to listen to the tape once a day as I’m supposed to be doing. VERY frustrating.  Since the session I’ve been very much in zombie mode on and off all week. I was so out of it Wednesday morning that I actually took my night meds instead of my day ones and ended up sleeping all day as a result. I have done that before but its been well over a year ago as far as I can recall. Its kind of like I’ve just been floating along day by day.

This isn’t anything unexpected though. The session was really intense. But I was proud of myself for going through with it and, like I said, I really wish I could be listening to the tape to hear it and really take in the experience as I’m supposed to be doing.  It lays a really good foundation with working through past traumatic experiences in the future during therapy.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. I hope you all enjoy the remainder of your weekend.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Mikes promise of “I’ll never drink again” lasted a whole month and a half. So, in the end, my trying to give him a second chance lasted a whole month and a half. I told him his second chance - our being together - wasn’t working for me and to come get what little he had at my apartment about two weeks ago.

Since then its been slowly sinking in — the finality.

We both agree that we probably should have just left it alone (trying to make it work) when I first moved in with my sister back in July. We’re on fair terms I suppose. Hes moving out of town, in with a friend of his, in about a month. We’re moving on and away from our life we tried to make together…for the past 6 years.

Its just bewildering. I have no regrets. Lots of questions - but no regrets. It was a good time spent with him…and I hope he feels the same way regarding the time he spent with me.

Its hardest at night. Laying, reality creeps in, and I begin realizing … knowing that this is it. Me and my apartment with my cat. Its not how I wanted it.

I miss him. But hes not coming back. ‘Just a couple beers’ means that much to him.

Okay. I can live with that. Its only just really fucking hard at the moment.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani