Tuesday I spent 2 hours with my therapist and we did our first session together working with the IRRT therapy. I went through a memory of abuse experienced in my childhood, describing it as if it was happening — how I felt.  She asked me periodically during this what my comfort level was - 0 being most comfortable to 100 being least comfortable.

She took note of my least comfortable moment during the memory and then I started over again only this time it was tape recorded. When I got to the least comfortable part of the memory, as I initially described it, she had me imagine myself as an adult today, stepping in and imagining what I would do. So I described what I would do in great detail and it was all recorded on tape. By the end I was crying, which I think I’ve only done a total of twice through out the past 2 1/2 years working with her.  I’ve practiced the technique in the past during flashbacks of going in my head as an adult and rescuing myself.  But I’ve never spent an hour and 1/2 going through it with someone else guiding me.

It was quite cathartic but when I got home I found that my twin brother didn’t have a miniature tape player as I thought he had, so I haven’t been able to listen to the tape once a day as I’m supposed to be doing. VERY frustrating.  Since the session I’ve been very much in zombie mode on and off all week. I was so out of it Wednesday morning that I actually took my night meds instead of my day ones and ended up sleeping all day as a result. I have done that before but its been well over a year ago as far as I can recall. Its kind of like I’ve just been floating along day by day.

This isn’t anything unexpected though. The session was really intense. But I was proud of myself for going through with it and, like I said, I really wish I could be listening to the tape to hear it and really take in the experience as I’m supposed to be doing.  It lays a really good foundation with working through past traumatic experiences in the future during therapy.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. I hope you all enjoy the remainder of your weekend.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani