This week has been challenging. The IRRT (Imagery Rescripting & Reprocessing - experimental therapy for trauma I started last week) Therapy really threw me for a loop — along with hearing about my uncle who sexually abused me growing up through out the past few weeks. My little sister, Bethany, recounted to me a conversation between my older brother and Mom (who I no longer speak to) regarding finding out about what my uncle did to me. Then my brother-in-law, Rod, recounted to me about how my uncle used to try to get my older sister and him to allow my Uncle M. to babysit for them with their daughter - my little niece. Rod said he always told Uncle M. no, and then when the truth came out about my uncle, via me telling my family, Rod knew that he had been right about why not to leave his daughter alone with the sick bastard. Thank God he listened to his instincts!!

Since my little sister, Bethany, moved out of our moms after Mom attacked her (details here) I’ve worried about how long it will actually be until the woman actually gets to see Bethany and my baby nieces again. Bethany had a habit of leaving her children alone with our mom, unsupervised, and it frightens me to think, “Will she do it again eventually?” Even though Bethany has been warned about how sick our mom is, will she feel bad and leave them with her again? My twin brother and I know better than to ever leave that woman alone with any child. My father himself said that if Mom ever did anything to hurt the little ones he would try and take them in, to take care of them (even though his own wife hit my oldest niece in one instance — so hard that it bruised her ::sigh::).

They just need to be SAFE. They’re beautiful little girls — only 2 1/2 and almost 4-years-old! They deserve a stable environment, just as all children do. Will my little sister cave in, because it’s “easier said then done” as she explained to me once when I told her I’d never let my children alone with that woman? I’ve thought about calling Adult Protective Services to have my Mom accessed but she isn’t old enough yet to be eligible for it according to my caseworker. In the past I’ve come close to calling Children’s Services atleast regarding what my mom did to me, so their would be some record of abuse if she ever did anything to those babies. But my little sister, twin brother, and even Mike at the time, seriously advised me against it. And after wrestling with the Children Services where my Uncle lives in SC, regarding the suspected abuse of his own son — and nothing coming of it — I thought to myself, “How will this be any different?”

With the IRRT therapy, reminders of my uncle, and worrying about my neices safety I started having dissociative episodes earlier this week. My twin brother and my case worker were nice and checked up on me Thursday afternoon and Friday morning. I was having trouble sleeping, having thoughts that my Uncle was going to come to Ohio, break into my apartment, and hurt me for telling my family the truth about him. I keep a knife in between my mattress and box-spring mattress of my bed. It helps me feel safe for if I ever wake up to some freak standing over me for any reason. I’ve just floated through this past week really. There’s been a lot of internal discussion in my mind thats gotten louder than usual - loud communicating through the thoughts of my alters. Bad times indeed.

But through it I’ve taken decent care of myself and now I’m feeling better. I’ve now got my therapists cellphone number in case of emergencies. She felt bad for ever having tried the IRRT therapy with me, but I told her it was just as much my decision as it was her own.

In the end, this whole experience as a whole — it all helps me feel more secure. Because the important thing is that it’s all really shown me that I can take care of myself when things get bad. I can get to where I need to be. I won’t just fall apart at the drop of a hat as it once seemed in the past. I’m stronger. I’m more confident. I’m stable and functioning.

I tossed and turned last night, trying to sleep again. But I got up at around 1:30am and I drunk some warm milk. I laid back down then and was able to get to sleep finally. And that’s really all that matters.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani