My twin brother, who lives down the hall from me, is best friends with the maintenance man in our building — who also lives across from my brother, right down the hall from me. I’ll call him “B”. B is sweet. Hes a wonderful guy. And he’s recently confessed to me that he’s “fallen for me”. We hang out a lot and I’ve explained to him that I’m not in a place right now where I can become involved with anyone in a way thats beyond friendship. Also, hes been sober for the first time in years, for only the past four months, and I feel like thats the last thing I should be attracted to. Mike, my ex, has recently started counseling and has started going to AA meetings. He and Brian are going to be attending Thursday night meetings together this weekend. The whole situation makes me sad. This is the letter he wrote me last night.

Ani,
I know, I know, here we go again with the letter! As always I don’t know what I’m going to say. Anyway, I hope you get a good night’s sleep. I’m real sorry if I’ve been short with you. My mind is full … Sunday and Monday have been two of the worst days I think I have ever had, sober…it’s because of you. I can not get my mind off you. I hardly sleep, I can’t sit still, I can’t move around, and I can’t do shit about it! There is no reason to talk or in my case listen about it. Because it always comes out the same, with me looking like a dumb-ass and still wanting you … I don’t know what I expect you to do or say about this, I know what I want to hear, and I know its not doing me any good at all for you to read this, but I do think I feel better knowing that you know this is not some little school house shit that I feel towards you. Please believe that I could not be anymore real about this. I have never, ever felt so strongly about any one or anything in my life.

And it sucks … big time …

And it always will. Not matter what happens in our lives, never forget that I’m here, no matter the time, no matter what, if you need it, I’m bust my ass getting it. Just always remember that okay.

Sorry once again,
B

This is what I’ve written back to B. “A” is my twin brother’s current girl friend who also lives down the hall and drives me & B crazy with her compulsive lying and manipulative behavior. Thats an entirely different story I’ll have to go into at another time.

B,
I’m flattered that you feel so strongly about me. Extremely flattered. But I’m far from perfect. I guess it concerns me that you feel like that for someone you’ve only known for three months that you’ve … but really that its just me. But I also know that my sense of trust right now is incredibly damaged. Its not your fault that I’m in a place where I can’t trust anything beyond friendship. Its not your fault that I feel damaged, as a whole, and its hard for me to open myself up to anyone right now. I need you to know that I do understand how you feel and that theres absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re completely awesome, fun, and sweet. Its just me and where I’m at.

You’ve been great to me since I’ve moved in here and I can’t begin to repay you or thank you enough. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’ve stuck by and listened to the crap I’ve been experiencing lately. I know that it bothers you and others that I’m still hanging out with Mike. But don’t worry, I see beyond the bullshit that at times comes out of his mouth. And I guess thats what makes it hardest. I wish I could trust him. It hurts like hell that I can’t. It hurts when I, again, have to tell him that I just can’t give him another chance ever. It seems like that I’m just simply stuck in my transcendence to get beyond the having to leave him, to getting back into a place where I can feel safe again. Its really hard to think that this time last year Mike and I had only been living with him Mom and step-dad for a month - we were supposed to be getting ahead on our bills…most importantly that, after 5 years, we were still very much in love.

A year later I’m here. And I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong? Why is it just all gone and over? But then I have to remind myself that it is what it is and all I can do is to move on, and to keep in mind how blessed I am to have people who care, like Stephen and you, just down the hall. I’m blessed to have had true love beyond the shit that I’ve seen other people deal with because, as you know from hanging out from him, Mikes truly a good person — he just lost sight of what matters. If he was some sort of male ‘A’ all this would be easier because I would never put up with unacceptable behavior. Then again … If I was dealing with a male ‘A’ I’d probably have to get a restraining order, huh? Ha!

Again, sorry for the novel.

Nites and I hope you get a better night’s sleep than what I’m about to get.

~ Ani