I saw my psych doctor today. I’ll call her “The Vish” for fun. I’m in the waiting room and the nurse calls me back. She takes my weight, blood pressure, asks about any physical complaints. I’ve gained almost 10 lbs (which some might think is a good thing — “you need to eat better” I’m told), my blood pressures fine, and I’ve had headaches…sinus crap…I take claritin daily now for it.

“Hows your mood been?”
Well…I don’t know. I’ve been tired, anxious, sleeps been very up and down. Sometimes its been hard to get to sleep and then other times, even though I’ve gotten enough sleep, I’m still tired all day. I’ll sleep right through my alarm for three hours straight. Who does that? Other times I’m just really keyed up and get distracted by every little noise. I can’t think straight. I walk around in a fog.

“So you really don’t know how you’re going to wake up feeling from one day to the next?”
No, I really don’t.

“Anything causing you stress?”
Well…family, friends, relationships…theres been a lot of problems there.

“Anything you want to tell me more about?”
No

So then I go out in the waiting room until the doctor calls me in. I tell her the same thing I just told the nurse except I tell her I can’t wait for classes to start in January. She knows I’m trying to get my degree.

She says shes going to decrease my Zoloft down to 100mg each morning. I tell her thats how many I’m taking - 100mg in the morning, right? She says she has written down 200 mg - two 100 mg tablets - every morning? I explain, no, I take one tablet.

I’m thinking, “You told me to take one less tablet months ago and thats what I’ve been doing. So, lowering my zoloft? We’ve obviously already done that. Now what?”

Her phone rings then and she actually answers it. Shes speaking in some foreign language I don’t understand. Maybe shes speaking to a family member? Its not spanish or french — I don’t know what shes speaking. Arabic?

She gets off the phone and looks at me and apologizes for the phone call.

“I’m confused”, she tells me.
“So am I”, I answer.

Then she see’s it.

She looks down at the nurse’s notes and says, “Ah…family & friends…relationship troubles…plus school? Tell you what, we won’t change your medicine right now, because it might actually just make you worse. I want to see you in another month and see how things are going then, okay?”

This is why I like her. She uses good reasoning. She’s right, I could be just a little stressed out. Everyone is this time of year. I don’t mention my dissociative problems because we both know theres no medication to aid with that. My therapist is aware and we’re working on it.

So now I just wait til January? Existing as being tired, anxious, my sleep always up and down. Even with enough sleep, I’ll stay tired all day. Hopefully no more sleeping right through my alarm for three hours straight. Again, who does that? I”ll exist other times, just really keyed up and I’ll continue to get distracted by every little noise. I still can’t think straight. I’ll continue for another month in and out of this fog, just going through the motions life, but feeling none of it.

Yes, Dr. Vish, I understand you’re confused. So am I.