My Dissonance

Three weeks ago I told my ex, Mike, and a friend who I call “B”, who has “fallen for me”, that I couldn’t hang out with either of them anymore, because it wasn’t right to given their feelings for me. With Mike, I told him that I couldn’t spend anymore time with him until we could truly look each other in the eyes and say that we didn’t love each other as anything more than friends. Until then, hanging out was cruel to us both. It was me telling him that there was still a chance of us getting back together. And it was me torturing myself because I still love him and still need to heal the broken heart that has resulted from our splitting up in the first place.

“B” just had some unhealthy fixation I think. He’s been sober for the first time in his life for the past 4 months or so. He just broke up with his ex a few months ago. He’d known me for 3 months when I got his “Monday & Sunday were the two hardest days of my sobriety and its was because of wanting you” letter. We’ve never so much as hugged? I don’t need that sort of pressure and he needs to deal with being sober. So I told him also that we couldn’t hang out anymore because I needed him not to have such strong feelings for me, and that the only way that was going to happen was if we gave each other distance and stopped hanging out. What makes that difficult is that he is best friends with my twin brother. When Mike and I broke up I moved down the hall from Stephen, my twin brother. “B” happens to be the maintenance guy for our apartment building and lives right across the hall from Stephen — right down the hall from me. Can you say awkward, right?

So, I told them both I needed to stop spending time with them which was hard. I spent that first week holed up in my apartment. I didn’t answer the door or the phone because I ran the risk of speaking to them. Mike called and when I answered the phone the conversation ended with me crying and telling him I needed him to understand that I needed to get off of the phone with him. At first he said he understood that first week of us not hanging out. But then when I answered the phone a weeks after that it turned into, “Hasn’t it been long enough? When will it be long enough?” I think he really thought two weeks was long enough for me to stop loving him after being together for six years, LOL?

Then Christmas Eve came and I bawled my eyes out all night because Mike wasn’t with me that day. Then Christmas he convinced me that going out to eat for dinner would be a good idea. I was lonely and week and agreed that it would be a good idea. Now he wants me to hang out tonight.

In my head I’m asking, “What the hell are you doing?? You’re sending mixed messages to both him and yourself! Stop it you idiot! Stop!”

He wants to hang out again tonight and I told him, ‘Maybe, okay,” yesterday when he asked. I just got a text from him wanting to go out somewhere with him so he could return something. I gave him the excuse of needing to do laundry. Regarding hanging out tonight, I told him maybe but that I might be doing something at my Stephen’s instead. Then I realize that I need to not give him excuses and just tell him we can’t be hanging out because I already told him that. I need to tell him that Wednesday was a mistake.

So my next text is: “I’m not going to stop crying myself to sleep at night, missing you, if we keep hanging out. Can’t talk, I’m sorry.”

And now I’m thinking about being holed up in my apartment, not answering my door or phone for the next week cause it could be him at my door. It could be him calling from a number I don’t recognize. The women in my support group are right. - thats not fair to me. I have to cut the strings completely, change my number?

But I’m not strong enough for that yet. I love him and I miss him. God, what am I doing?

~ Ani