Okay guys. For those of you who remember my IRRT therapy sessions that I had to stop doing cause I started to switch really bad after the first session HERE is what I pretty much did with my therapist.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about here are the three entries in which I wrote about my sessions with my own therapist back in September & October:
IRRT Therapy - Sept. 25, 2007
IRRT Therapy ~ Session #1 - Oct 13, 2007
A Challenging Week - Oct 21, 2007
Only my memory that I went into as the adult with her … to take care of my child-self and rescue her, and help her to understand that my Mom was sick — the memory was during a time when my Mom tried to drown me in front of my little sister in the bathtub, and my Dad had to drag her off of me. I switched during the time that it happened and I only know that my Dad had to drag her off of me because my little sister remembers it and I found out about it through her.
So, only because I developed dissociative identity disorder, and I switched into an alter personality during this episode of abuse as a child, this type of therapy was not beneficial to me being able to function in my day-to-day life. Because I began to switch again after the therapy session. My switching was disrupting my day-to-day functioning and so we stopped with this type of therapy. Also, in my therapy we taped it on a tape recorder so that I could listen to it. Listening to it in my therapists office in our second IRRT therapy session REALLY brought a lot out and I really do wish this type of therapy could have worked for me.
So, if your interested in this type of therapy please watch this to get an idea of what it entails.
Just because it didn’t work for me DOESN’T mean it CAN’T help YOU!
Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani
Okay…so…
I’m writing a personal statement to be attached with my scholarship applications for said scholarships I’m applying for. This statement is pretty much the heart of my application…it tells the people deciding who wins who I am, my plans, yada, yada.
Anyway, in my google-ing for information regarding whats expected or suggested in writing these statements I came across a list of questions that are supposed to help while brainstorming about what to write about yourself. These questions I thought might not help me to think of anything really to put in my statement, but maybe they’ll help me to do some self reflection and give thought into my life as a whole?
I’m going to use these questions as a basis for a future series of bloggy blogs. 
Here they are…
1. What errors or regrets have taught me something important about myself?
2. When have I been so immersed in what I was doing, that time seemed to evaporate while I was actively absorbed in the activity?
3. What ideas, books, theories or movements have made a profound impact on me - be honest it says.
4. To what extent do my current commitments reflect my most strongly-held values?
5. Where or how do I seem to waste the most time?
6. Under what conditions do I do my best, most creative work?
7. What really makes me angry?
8. To what extent am I a typical product of my generation and/or culture? How might I deviate from the norm?
Okay, well, there they are. Substance for several future writings. I was thinking that some of these questions might help me produce some ideas that I could use in my book as well.
Hope Sent,
~ Ani
PS: Yes…I’m am so much of a control freak that I would actively plan out future entries instead of just going with spontaneous day-to-day events and feelings. 
PSS: Wish me luck on the scholarships!
The forecast tomorrow: High of 32* F
Low of 13* F
Chance of precipitation: 70%
I hate the winter cloudiness…the days that seem to only grow shorter. It kills my mood and energy. Do you ever get cabin fever so bad that you reason that walking around in nature sounds like awesome fun?
Don’t!!!
Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani
A few sessions back my therapist Alberta asked if I have a fear of success…if it’s a possibility? Do I purposely do things to sabotage my ever achieving my goals? Where am I at right now…what level of functioning?
Do I want to believe that I’m beyond having all the help I’ve had for the past 4 years? Next month will mark the four year passage from the period of time during which I lost my job and had to file for SSDI (social security disability income). What does it mean for my life in going back to school, running the Survivor Archives project, and being “highly functional” again?
In truth, part of me feels very guilty. I think of my friends at the Community Support center here in town and I feel like I’d be leaving them behind. I’d be…if I started a career would I be leaving behind some of my siblings way of surviving financially?
But of coarse I wouldn’t be “leaving behind” anyone or anything. I’d only be working to get to a place where I can help instead of only need. Where I can actually DO something to improve the lives of those still struggling because a part of me lays within each of them. I’m not leaving. I’m reaching out my hand to help them see that climbing upward is possible. To give them guidance and choices, if they’re willing to act upon them. I’m only doing for others what has many times been done for me.
So what if I need medication and my own counseling? So what if I still go to group therapy once a week to help me stay grounded? I’m only following my own advice to others. I need to get beyond feeling like I do at times … this fear that creeps in of not being able to attend classes and eventually go back to work. For what reason? Because I have times, just like everyone, where I’m not sleeping or eating right, where I’m not concentrating well, where I’m not thinking straight?
So during my last session my therapist, Alberta, and I discussed these irrational thoughts and fears…which can mostly be attributed to a fear of abandonment. Thinking I’ll be left or scoffed at if I do well and succeed. That I’m not good enough to succeed. I need to remember not to panic if I’m having a bad week (e.g. “Oh my god…this is it — I’m relapsing! I’ll have another nervous breakdown any day now and will wind up back in the hospital for sure!”).
But Alberta’s right. I just need to figure out what my limits are and stick to them.
Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani
Hey guys, just wanted to write to check in and say that I’m still around. I’ll try to update the survivor pages sometime soon. I just haven’t gotten the time.
Right now I’m just enjoying being back in school, and I need to balance in some time for here. I still journal in my portable one I carry with me everywhere along with various pens…just haven’t been adding said entries here. I’m sorry for that.
I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to have Sundays all to myself. Just me walking around in my robe, undisturbed by knocks at my door or the phone constantly ringing or buzzing (depending on if it’s on vibrate).
To give you an example of my amount of quiet time, I did actually put up a sign outside my apartment door Tuesday night that said “Studying…Please Come Back Later”. It didn’t work.
Before I knew it my twin brother was pounding down my door with his girlfriend because she burnt her hand and they were wondering if I had any baking soda (does that even help with burns?). She was hysterical…the next day her hand was fine (grrr). Then my brother came back asking me to google how to treat first degree burns. Then my friend called cause she recently had to call the cops on her boyfriend (domestic violence…a long, angry rant I’ll maybe save for another time) and was wanting some advice on restraining orders. So I googled how to treat said burns and I gave my friend the number to our local women’s center.
Then I went to bed tired and angry. So tomorrow is ALL MINE damn it! But of coarse, I’m not a single mom with three kids so I have no right to bitch. I’ve just been very exhausted and uncharacteristically irritable lately? Well nites.
Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani
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