A few sessions back my therapist Alberta asked if I have a fear of success…if it’s a possibility? Do I purposely do things to sabotage my ever achieving my goals? Where am I at right now…what level of functioning?

Do I want to believe that I’m beyond having all the help I’ve had for the past 4 years? Next month will mark the four year passage from the period of time during which I lost my job and had to file for SSDI (social security disability income). What does it mean for my life in going back to school, running the Survivor Archives project, and being “highly functional” again?

In truth, part of me feels very guilty. I think of my friends at the Community Support center here in town and I feel like I’d be leaving them behind. I’d be…if I started a career would I be leaving behind some of my siblings way of surviving financially?

But of coarse I wouldn’t be “leaving behind” anyone or anything. I’d only be working to get to a place where I can help instead of only need. Where I can actually DO something to improve the lives of those still struggling because a part of me lays within each of them. I’m not leaving. I’m reaching out my hand to help them see that climbing upward is possible. To give them guidance and choices, if they’re willing to act upon them. I’m only doing for others what has many times been done for me.

So what if I need medication and my own counseling? So what if I still go to group therapy once a week to help me stay grounded? I’m only following my own advice to others. I need to get beyond feeling like I do at times … this fear that creeps in of not being able to attend classes and eventually go back to work. For what reason? Because I have times, just like everyone, where I’m not sleeping or eating right, where I’m not concentrating well, where I’m not thinking straight?

So during my last session my therapist, Alberta, and I discussed these irrational thoughts and fears…which can mostly be attributed to a fear of abandonment. Thinking I’ll be left or scoffed at if I do well and succeed. That I’m not good enough to succeed. I need to remember not to panic if I’m having a bad week (e.g. “Oh my god…this is it — I’m relapsing! I’ll have another nervous breakdown any day now and will wind up back in the hospital for sure!”).

But Alberta’s right. I just need to figure out what my limits are and stick to them.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani