A few days ago, on Monday afternoon, I pondered over the question “Whats been bothering you the most over the past few days?” In trying to figure out what issues I still needed to work on in my day-to-day healing process, this question came from a workbook on “remodeling your life”. The workbook came with a toolbox of techniques on making positive changes in yourself and was made and sent to me by a dear friend of mine. She was in the “Collection of Strength Video” - Joyce Welsh, co-founder of DIY Healing (www.diyhealing.org). Anyway, so I pondered over this question in my personal journal and the following was what came out.

Somehow, I’ve been feeling lately as if I’m not doing enough, or not trying hard enough…I feel like I’m missing something no matter how far out I reach. The video I made isn’t enough, uploading files of the bulletin I made for the Ohio ‘Finding Angela Shelton Campaign’ for other members to use isn’t enough, sending out 30 reminder letters to various contacts regarding the upcoming Spring ‘08 Survivor Archive isn’t enough, everything I’ve read & watched recently in searching for new ways to grow and heal isn’t enough. What is missing? Getting the highest grade in my class last week on our math test wasn’t enough. What on earth can I do or be that is enough? Theres still this dull longing that I can’t shake. I feel like I could be elected President of The United States of America tomorrow and still, some how, something would still be missing? What…what is it?

It really bothers me that I’m in school and working on that, but still relying on a government check each month to pay my bills because I’m still on social security income/disabilty and have been since being found ‘disabled’ in February of ‘04. It was actually this exact time four years ago that I lost my job and had to file. But then, in feeling like I should be working I remember the fear of the out-of-pocket expenses for my medication and how I couldn’t keep up with day-to-day functioning without kickass medical insurance, which typically never comes until 30 - 90 days into your employment and only if you work full-time. Would I be able to function w/o all that medication I swallow down every morning and night to keep me leveled out upstairs? Thats like taking insulin away from a diabetic and waiting to see how long it is until they have to rush to the E.R.

So initially I feel like I’m taking advantage of the system. But then I get angry at how fucked up the system really is. Then I think about the thousands of dollars I’m going to have to pay back the government anyway from all my student loans once I do get my degree and start working. Fuck man!

Then I think of the free rides a few are fortunate enough to get from their parents who are financially able to pay for their school. Lucky bastards. I think of my 26 year old friend who still lives at home wasting all his potential away, just working at a local grocery store and watching t.v. in his parent’s basement. This guy is hilarious. I’ve known him since high school. He’s a comic-genious. But there he is, sitting in front of the t.v. as I watch this. ::sigh:: I’ve tried to tell him he should do something while staying with his parents — they don’t require rent from him. He’s 26 and just wasting it.

Then I think back to last Wednesday and my answers to the questions, asked during an interview for my applying for help with the Student Support Services on campus — a government funded program for students who are less likely to graduate for reasons such as not having parents who’ve ever graduated from college, low income, disabilities, etc.

“Who makes up your support system?” she asked
“Well, I have a twin brother and a little and older sister. I have great friends. That pretty much covers it.”
“No parents?” she asked.
“No…um. I don’t have any relationship with them. Uhh… I actually filed for legal seperation from them through Clark State when I was younger because they said otherwise I had to have their income on my financial aid applications til I was 23. That wasn’t really a possibility. Uhh…no, no parents. Its, you know…more common then people think.”

She nodded but I sensed and resented the pity.

Some where deep down theres was a part of me that wanted to give her a less sugar-coated answer….something along the lines of:

No lady, no parents. I actually did see my Dad for the first time in two years a few weeks ago which was a huge fucking shock to me. Maybe it’ll be another two years before I see him again — fuck, I don’t know! I’m sorry I’m not important enough to be a part of his life - no, thats fine! He wouldn’t even make an effort to answer the phone when my little sister tried to get a hold of him this past Christmas, for him to see his little grandchildren on Christmas fucking day — and let me tell you, my neices are fucking beautiful!!

And my Mom — I haven’t seen her in going on 3 years because shes literally physically hazardous to be around. Just this past fall she attacked my same sister in front of her children — my said fucking beautiful baby nieces. Then ‘the Nick’ (aka ‘mother) acted as if she didn’t know what the fuck my sister was so upset about 10 minutes later. My sister is now wondering if D.I.D. could be hereditary. At least I was comforted in my wondering of the same question these past 4 years ever since my own diagnosis. I mean…who attacks their children and then acts confused 10 minutes later when their still upset. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” she says. What The FUCK!!

(Deep breath…calm…)

And it’s funny, here I am wondering why I still struggle with feeling at times like nothing I do is enough. This question keeps coming up — what is this empty longing…what is it?

In reality I’m great right? I’m the fucking shit?!

Now if I can just take that understanding and drag it from my mind into my heart maybe we’d get somewhere.

The Nick after all with her constant rants of” You ARE nothing! You deserve NOTHING!” didn’t leave much room in the beginning to believe much else could be logical.

In my head I completely understand that she’s ill…that she didn’t mean those things. Even if she did, what would it matter considering the source it came from? And I start egging myself on then with things like, “Remember all those birthday presents you bought her that she complained about and that one Christmas gift she refused to open. Your graduation she refused to attend?”

My older brother, Arthur, called last weekend at around 9:30 am. He was sober — it was amazing. I can’t remember the last time he talked to me sober so it was a real treat, it really was. I miss him — that him. I have for years.

“She’s the most cold-hearted person I’ll ever know,” he said, referring to our Mom.

And so I just have to remember. My self worth can no longer be judged through her cold heard, but instead be understood through my own.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani