I spent all day doing math homework.  Ugh.  I’m still not finished.  Finals blow.  Or maybe I’m just not moving quick enough.

My homework from my therapist yesterday was to try to figure out why I’ve been so dissociative.  I have been really dissociative.  Am I not taking care of myself?  Am I overwhelmed?  I’m trying, I really am.  I’ve bought lots of healthy food that I do intend to eat.  I did get bad news from her though.  She explained the following situation to me…my options…and then she handed me this at the end of our session…

___________________

Feb 29, 2008

Dear Friends,

We here at the Riley Counseling Center regrettably must announce that we will no longer be able to accept Medicaid and Medicare for counseling services.  We have recently become aware of regulations that do not allow us to see individuals with these insurances unless we are actually working in a medical office.  This does not apply to those individuals who are covered by Molina, Caresource, and Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield.

We are sorry for any inconveniences or problems that this creates for you. 

If we can be of any assistance in helping you to locate an “in network” provider for you or your family members please do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

William J. Rily, LPCC, LICDC, LSW

___________________

So my options are: 

  1. try to switch to a medicaid HMO plan through my caseworker where I’ll be covered by Molina, Caresource, or Anthem Blue Cross and Blueshield.  I don’t know if this is really an option for me.  These plans are always so confusing and I sometimes they won’t let you switch until the end of your year’s plan is up.  Because the payment is all based around yearly increments.  That won’t be til August.  I called my caseworker and she didn’t call me back about switching and what it would entail, and if its even possible.  ::sigh::

  2. The next option is to see my therapist where she works in Xenia, OH through a church on Mondays and Fridays.  But she told me its a good 40 minute drive on a good day and I don’t have a car.  Relying on my case manager for a ride would be very well … unrealistic. 
  3. The last option is to switch therapists.  But none of them take medicaid or medicare…the people I’ve been with are backing out of it.  No one.  When I lost my first therapist Alberta was the only one I found who would work with me.  My only other option was a group counselor who I don’t get along with who was offered to me by our county mental health clinic.  They won’t offer me anyone else because of my diagnosis — the whole ‘DID doesn’t exist’ was the biggest problem I ran into last time.  The only reason they offered the group therapist to me was because she heard about my situation and offered to help me.  They either won’t treat me or they don’t have the experience to. 

    4. This will all work out, right?  Part of me thinks, “Maybe I would be okay with out her — without any therapy at all?”  But to have my treatment issues and no therapist — especially the one I’ve had for the past 3 years would be also very unrealistic.  I’m feeling stuck.  My case manager who I’d be relying on for a ride is out sick the rest of this week (I hope shes okay — this is the 2nd week shes been out sick and shes an awesome lady). 

    So…yeah… I feel like complete hell.  I’ve been dissociating a lot, and that’s been since before this no more therapy stuff.  Its everything.  I feel like I’m doing everything all wrong.  I feel like … like I’m this fake pseudo-healed human being.  I hate that, when it creeps up.  I don’t remind myself that healing is a life long process the way that I should. (ha ha)

    I’m going to go and take a long bath which I never do.  I’m going to hope it doesn’t lead to too much dissociation.  I’m going to catch it in time.  God, what am I doing? 

    Love Sent,
    ~ Ani