So…the following is my numerology reading for the past year.  This is what my prediction was for this past year when I looked into this stuff at my little sister’s (almost exactly one year ago).  I left Mike and moved in with her at the end of June.  And here I am, a year later, having just turned 26.  This is very eerily accurate.  In numerology the years actual begin and end according to your birthday.  So, for me, I just started over a new year on the 3rd of this month and am beginning a new one. 

Your Personal Year for 2007 is 9
This is your year to finish all unfinished business, Joanna (aka Ani Star), to clean house and make room for new things.  On a material level this is a good time to get rid of unnecessary weight, to give away or sell what you do not need anymore and to pay off old debts.  On a spiritual level you will experience a different mode altogether.  Your attention should turn to others and their needs, find ways to be of help and give time and energy to worthwhile causes.  You must lighten your burdens of questions and doubts and the best way to do so is by directing your attention to another direction, away from yourself and you will find yourself becoming lighter and more in touch with your self.  This is a time of completion, problems can be solved and over with, strained relationships relax or disappear, the sources of stress in work or business can be better understood and dealt with.  Be social and communicative, enjoy music and other arts.  Joanna, your creativity is higher than usual.  There can be some difficulties this year due to your desire to face obstacles and overcome them.  Decisions have to be taken and courage and strength may be severly tested several times.  This is not going to be an easy year all the time but you will feel relieved and at the brink of a positive breakthrough by the end of this year.  This is the end of a nine year epicycle and you will feel many times the excitement of a new and promising era when optimism is your friend but you will also experience fear of letting go.  However, the more you let go the more room there is to be filled during the next epicycle. 

Wow!  So…this is how the past year has gone.  It started with leaving my fiance of 6 years over his drug addiction and alcoholism.  This was a VERY hard time for me.  I basically went through a divorce without the extra expense of paying for it to be legally annulled (thank god for that).  I stayed with my twin sister for a month and a half, with my twin brother for almost three weeks, and then I finally had my VERY OWN place for the first time in my life.  I’d lived with a roomate, but since age 19 I’ve always lived with Mike.  Prior to my leaving we’d stayed with his Mom for 8 months.  I finally had my own place!  God, I’ve loved every minute of it!

Mike and I are still friends, he’s stopped drinking and is in AA (if not we wouldn’t be friends).  And he’s actually thanked me for leaving him.  He believes that it’s what he needed to wake up and realize what he was doing to himself.  I’m very proud of him.  I admit that it makes me sad sometimes that he couldn’t have seen it when we were still together. 

But everything happens for a reason.  I’ve moved on and have been happily single for the past year.  I’ve made some great new friends this year and I’ve learned to actually unite with other women and trust them for the first time in my life.  I’ve never trusted women for as long as I can remember.  Most of my close friends have always been male.  So having girl’s nights with my girl friends has been and continues to be another part of my opening up and learning to trust.     

In my healing I’ve gotten a tremendous amount done this year.  I’ve participated in some great causes with some campaigns…mainly the Angela Shelton Joy Campaign as an Ohio team leader.  And I also helped to organize a Report IT Rally in Columbus, OH that was part of the national Report IT Campaign.  The day after the rally I went to my local police station and reported my uncle for being a pedophile.  Huge, huge steps.  I’ve let go of so much shame and have freed myself of so many burdens that I’ve carried.  God, it feels great!  Meeting with all these survivors on a personal level has had a great impact on my own journey.  I KNOW I’m absolutely, positively not alone.  And I’m determined to show everyone else that.  And I’m determined to show as many survivors as I can that they can heal and live “normal”, happy lives.

I’ve managed to keep my 4.0 GPA through school part time and now I’m ready to start working again part time.  This has been a huge obstacle for me since I was forced to file for SSDI after I lost my job back in Feb of ‘04.  Since my breakdown its been a very slow process in building myself back up to a normal, functioning human being (using the term “normal” very loosely, LOL). Now, once I do get back to work in the next few months, I’d like to plan to eventually speak out about the stigma of DID.  Not immediately but eventually I want to make this a goal.  Theres too much stigma and its ridiculous.  Completely ridiculous.  It needs to change and if I can help in some small way thats what I’m going to do. 

I’ve made a huge, huge decision that on June 29th I’m leaving Ohio and moving to AZ.  My little sister and I will be packing up what we can fit into an SUV with her two little ones and we’ll be driving three days straight til we get to Queen Creek, AZ where our older sister lives.  We’re getting a place together immediately then in Mesa, AZ until we can get settled in our new city and get our own places.   

 Moving across the country won’t be easy, especially with leaving just about everything I own behind, but I’m ready and excited.  Leaving it all here saves me about $1800 by not having to have it shipped down there.  I’m leaving behind all my friends but I’m gaining getting to live nearby my older sister which has never happened since I was born (she was adopted by our grandparents and was raised separately in another state).  My little sister and baby nieces are coming.  But I’m leaving behind my twin brother.  I really hope that he eventually follows us and moves down there.  The economy here in Springfield is shot all to hell and in the Pheonix area its booming.  There will be better schools for the little ones.  And more stable family with being near our older sister who has a good life as a nurse and who lives happily with her husband and little girl.  Theres no violence or stupidity we need to worry about.  To help give you some understanding, my little sister and I didn’t leave my apartment (she crashed here last night) until 4:00 pm this afternoon because we were afraid to run into ‘The Nick’ (aka our mom) who was stopping to pick up my twin brother down the hall.  Hes the only one left who communicates with her.  My sister didn’t want to chance going down to get in her car to have the drunken, crazy Nick pull up and cause a scene.  We won’t have to worry about these things in AZ.

Anyway, I haven’t added any new entries in quite a while, not since after the Report IT Rally.  So I thought I’d update everyone.  I’ve just been busy being happy and excited.  :) 

Love & Hope Sent,

~ Ani

So when I was growing up my little sister and I wanted to join the ‘Brownies Girlscouts’.

Heres what their website says:

“Brownie Girl Scouts are 6 – 8 years of age and are in the 1st. 2nd, and 3rd grades. They learn about themselves, their families, their friends, and the world around them. The Girl Scout Law taught to them says “I will do my best to be honest and fair; friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and responsible for what I say and do, and to respect myself and others, respect authority, use resources wisely, make the world a better place and be a sister to every Girl Scout.”

 My Mom told us no, we weren’t joining because “THE BROWNIES ARE FOR PUSSYS!!!”

So, my moms probably kind of bummed that only one out of her six kids talk to her anymore (w/the exception of our oldest brother when he needs money).  She probably wonders why noone calls or sends her cards on mother’s day.  If she somehow ever manages to get my number and asks me about it I’ll just explain that, “Mother’s Day is for pussies Vick….Mother’s Day is FOR PUSSIES!!”  I’m sure she’ll understand since I’ll be speaking her language.” 

March and April were both extremely busy for me, thus the no posting.  So much has happened over the past few months, its hard to know where to begin.  Its going to take multiple posts to explain it all, LOL!  First, I’ll start with my joining ‘The Army of Angels’.  Heres an explanation of “The Army”….

The Army of Angels

I spent all day doing math homework.  Ugh.  I’m still not finished.  Finals blow.  Or maybe I’m just not moving quick enough.

___________________

Feb 29, 2008

Dear Friends,

We here at the Riley Counseling Center regrettably must announce that we will no longer be able to accept Medicaid and Medicare for counseling services.  We have recently become aware of regulations that do not allow us to see individuals with these insurances unless we are actually working in a medical office.  This does not apply to those individuals who are covered by Molina, Caresource, and Anthem Blue Cross and Blue Shield.

We are sorry for any inconveniences or problems that this creates for you. 

If we can be of any assistance in helping you to locate an “in network” provider for you or your family members please do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

William J. Rily, LPCC, LICDC, LSW

___________________

So my options are: 

1. try to switch to a medicaid HMO plan through my caseworker where I’ll be covered by Molina, Caresource, or Anthem Blue Cross and Blueshield.  I don’t know if this is really an option for me.  These plans are always so confusing and I sometimes they won’t let you switch until the end of your year’s plan is up.  Because the payment is all based around yearly increments.  That won’t be til August.  I called my caseworker and she didn’t call me back about switching and what it would entail, and if its even possible.  ::sigh::

2. The next option is to see my therapist where she works in Xenia, OH through a church on Mondays and Fridays.  But she told me its a good 40 minute drive on a good day and I don’t have a car.  Relying on my case manager for a ride would be very well … unrealistic. 
3. The last option is to switch therapists.  But none of them take medicaid or medicare…the people I’ve been with are backing out of it.  No one.  When I lost my first therapist Alberta was the only one I found who would work with me.  My only other option was a group counselor who I don’t get along with who was offered to me by our county mental health clinic.  They won’t offer me anyone else because of my diagnosis — the whole ‘DID doesn’t exist’ was the biggest problem I ran into last time.  The only reason they offered the group therapist to me was because she heard about my situation and offered to help me.  They either won’t treat me or they don’t have the experience to. 

This will all work out, right?  Part of me thinks, “Maybe I would be okay with out her — without any therapy at all?”  But to have my treatment issues and no therapist — especially the one I’ve had for the past 3 years would be also very unrealistic.  I’m feeling stuck.  My case manager who I’d be relying on for a ride is out sick the rest of this week (I hope shes okay — this is the 2nd week shes been out sick and shes an awesome lady). 

So…yeah… I feel like complete hell.  I’ve been dissociating a lot, and that’s been since before this no more therapy stuff.  Its everything.  I feel like I’m doing everything all wrong.  I feel like … like I’m this fake pseudo-healed human being.  I hate that, when it creeps up.  I don’t remind myself that healing is a life long process the way that I should. (ha ha)

I’m going to go and take a long bath which I never do.  I’m going to hope it doesn’t lead to too much dissociation.  I’m going to catch it in time.  God, what am I doing? 

Love Sent,
~ Ani

A few days ago, on Monday afternoon, I pondered over the question “Whats been bothering you the most over the past few days?” In trying to figure out what issues I still needed to work on in my day-to-day healing process, this question came from a workbook on “remodeling your life”. The workbook came with a toolbox of techniques on making positive changes in yourself and was made and sent to me by a dear friend of mine. She was in the “Collection of Strength Video” - Joyce Welsh, co-founder of DIY Healing (www.diyhealing.org). Anyway, so I pondered over this question in my personal journal and the following was what came out.

Somehow, I’ve been feeling lately as if I’m not doing enough, or not trying hard enough…I feel like I’m missing something no matter how far out I reach. The video I made isn’t enough, uploading files of the bulletin I made for the Ohio ‘Finding Angela Shelton Campaign’ for other members to use isn’t enough, sending out 30 reminder letters to various contacts regarding the upcoming Spring ‘08 Survivor Archive isn’t enough, everything I’ve read & watched recently in searching for new ways to grow and heal isn’t enough. What is missing? Getting the highest grade in my class last week on our math test wasn’t enough. What on earth can I do or be that is enough? Theres still this dull longing that I can’t shake. I feel like I could be elected President of The United States of America tomorrow and still, some how, something would still be missing? What…what is it?

It really bothers me that I’m in school and working on that, but still relying on a government check each month to pay my bills because I’m still on social security income/disabilty and have been since being found ‘disabled’ in February of ‘04. It was actually this exact time four years ago that I lost my job and had to file. But then, in feeling like I should be working I remember the fear of the out-of-pocket expenses for my medication and how I couldn’t keep up with day-to-day functioning without kickass medical insurance, which typically never comes until 30 - 90 days into your employment and only if you work full-time. Would I be able to function w/o all that medication I swallow down every morning and night to keep me leveled out upstairs? Thats like taking insulin away from a diabetic and waiting to see how long it is until they have to rush to the E.R.

So initially I feel like I’m taking advantage of the system. But then I get angry at how fucked up the system really is. Then I think about the thousands of dollars I’m going to have to pay back the government anyway from all my student loans once I do get my degree and start working. Fuck man!

Then I think of the free rides a few are fortunate enough to get from their parents who are financially able to pay for their school. Lucky bastards. I think of my 26 year old friend who still lives at home wasting all his potential away, just working at a local grocery store and watching t.v. in his parent’s basement. This guy is hilarious. I’ve known him since high school. He’s a comic-genious. But there he is, sitting in front of the t.v. as I watch this. ::sigh:: I’ve tried to tell him he should do something while staying with his parents — they don’t require rent from him. He’s 26 and just wasting it.

Then I think back to last Wednesday and my answers to the questions, asked during an interview for my applying for help with the Student Support Services on campus — a government funded program for students who are less likely to graduate for reasons such as not having parents who’ve ever graduated from college, low income, disabilities, etc.

“Who makes up your support system?” she asked
“Well, I have a twin brother and a little and older sister. I have great friends. That pretty much covers it.”
“No parents?” she asked.
“No…um. I don’t have any relationship with them. Uhh… I actually filed for legal seperation from them through Clark State when I was younger because they said otherwise I had to have their income on my financial aid applications til I was 23. That wasn’t really a possibility. Uhh…no, no parents. Its, you know…more common then people think.”

She nodded but I sensed and resented the pity.

Some where deep down theres was a part of me that wanted to give her a less sugar-coated answer….something along the lines of:

No lady, no parents. I actually did see my Dad for the first time in two years a few weeks ago which was a huge fucking shock to me. Maybe it’ll be another two years before I see him again — fuck, I don’t know! I’m sorry I’m not important enough to be a part of his life - no, thats fine! He wouldn’t even make an effort to answer the phone when my little sister tried to get a hold of him this past Christmas, for him to see his little grandchildren on Christmas fucking day — and let me tell you, my neices are fucking beautiful!!

And my Mom — I haven’t seen her in going on 3 years because shes literally physically hazardous to be around. Just this past fall she attacked my same sister in front of her children — my said fucking beautiful baby nieces. Then ‘the Nick’ (aka ‘mother) acted as if she didn’t know what the fuck my sister was so upset about 10 minutes later. My sister is now wondering if D.I.D. could be hereditary. At least I was comforted in my wondering of the same question these past 4 years ever since my own diagnosis. I mean…who attacks their children and then acts confused 10 minutes later when their still upset. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” she says. What The FUCK!!

(Deep breath…calm…)

And it’s funny, here I am wondering why I still struggle with feeling at times like nothing I do is enough. This question keeps coming up — what is this empty longing…what is it?

In reality I’m great right? I’m the fucking shit?!

Now if I can just take that understanding and drag it from my mind into my heart maybe we’d get somewhere.

The Nick after all with her constant rants of” You ARE nothing! You deserve NOTHING!” didn’t leave much room in the beginning to believe much else could be logical.

In my head I completely understand that she’s ill…that she didn’t mean those things. Even if she did, what would it matter considering the source it came from? And I start egging myself on then with things like, “Remember all those birthday presents you bought her that she complained about and that one Christmas gift she refused to open. Your graduation she refused to attend?”

My older brother, Arthur, called last weekend at around 9:30 am. He was sober — it was amazing. I can’t remember the last time he talked to me sober so it was a real treat, it really was. I miss him — that him. I have for years.

“She’s the most cold-hearted person I’ll ever know,” he said, referring to our Mom.

And so I just have to remember. My self worth can no longer be judged through her cold heard, but instead be understood through my own.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

White House Releases FY 2009 Budget

Budget Freezes Most Mental Illness Research and Services Programs; Cuts Proposed for Housing; Increase Sought for Veterans Programs

February 5, 2008

On February 3, President Bush unveiled his $3.1 trillion proposed budget plan for fiscal year (FY) 2009 - with increases sought for defense and homeland security, and tight controls on most domestic discretionary programs, holding them under inflationary increases. The result is a budget that continues tight constraints on domestic discretionary spending (which comprise only about 15% of all federal outlays). In addition, the President’s budget is also seeking more than $200 billion in reductions for the Medicare and Medicaid programs that are mandatory entitlements outside of discretionary spending. These changes to Medicare and Medicaid must be approved by Congress to go into effect.

Among the highlights and concerns for NAMI in the President’s proposed FY 2009 budget are:

• Mental illness research – The request for NIMH for FY 2009 is only $1 million above the current FY 2008 level ($1.405 billion) and is far below the increase needed to keep pace with medical research inflation;
• Medicaid – the President’s budget proposes legislative and administrative changes to Medicaid designed to trim the program by $2 billion in FY 2009 and $17.4 billion over the next 5 years. Most of these changes will require action by Congress to go into effect;
• Mental illness services – most programs at SAMHSA’s Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS) held at current levels, with the exception of the PATH (outreach and engagement for homeless individuals with mental illness) where the President is asking for $7 million increase and the Childrens Mental Health program where the President is asking for a $12 million increase. Other discretionary and demonstration programs at CMHS are proposed for a $144 million reduction;
• Veterans – mental illness treatment services in the VA would be increased by $319 million and is projected to reach $3.9 billion in FY 2009; and
• Housing – a $77 million cut is proposed for the HUD Section 811 program, with the reduction falling hardest on the production of units within the program, funding for homeless programs however would be boosted by $50 million over current levels.

Here is a video I created. Included is my story and my message to survivors.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Okay guys. For those of you who remember my IRRT therapy sessions that I had to stop doing cause I started to switch really bad after the first session HERE is what I pretty much did with my therapist.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about here are the three entries in which I wrote about my sessions with my own therapist back in September & October:

IRRT Therapy - Sept. 25, 2007
IRRT Therapy ~ Session #1 - Oct 13, 2007
A Challenging Week - Oct 21, 2007

Only my memory that I went into as the adult with her … to take care of my child-self and rescue her, and help her to understand that my Mom was sick — the memory was during a time when my Mom tried to drown me in front of my little sister in the bathtub, and my Dad had to drag her off of me. I switched during the time that it happened and I only know that my Dad had to drag her off of me because my little sister remembers it and I found out about it through her.

So, only because I developed dissociative identity disorder, and I switched into an alter personality during this episode of abuse as a child, this type of therapy was not beneficial to me being able to function in my day-to-day life. Because I began to switch again after the therapy session. My switching was disrupting my day-to-day functioning and so we stopped with this type of therapy. Also, in my therapy we taped it on a tape recorder so that I could listen to it. Listening to it in my therapists office in our second IRRT therapy session REALLY brought a lot out and I really do wish this type of therapy could have worked for me.

So, if your interested in this type of therapy please watch this to get an idea of what it entails.

Just because it didn’t work for me DOESN’T mean it CAN’T help YOU!

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Okay…so…

I’m writing a personal statement to be attached with my scholarship applications for said scholarships I’m applying for. This statement is pretty much the heart of my application…it tells the people deciding who wins who I am, my plans, yada, yada.

Anyway, in my google-ing for information regarding whats expected or suggested in writing these statements I came across a list of questions that are supposed to help while brainstorming about what to write about yourself. These questions I thought might not help me to think of anything really to put in my statement, but maybe they’ll help me to do some self reflection and give thought into my life as a whole?

I’m going to use these questions as a basis for a future series of bloggy blogs.

Here they are…

1. What errors or regrets have taught me something important about myself?

2. When have I been so immersed in what I was doing, that time seemed to evaporate while I was actively absorbed in the activity?

3. What ideas, books, theories or movements have made a profound impact on me - be honest it says.

4. To what extent do my current commitments reflect my most strongly-held values?

5. Where or how do I seem to waste the most time?

6. Under what conditions do I do my best, most creative work?

7. What really makes me angry?

8. To what extent am I a typical product of my generation and/or culture? How might I deviate from the norm?

Okay, well, there they are. Substance for several future writings. I was thinking that some of these questions might help me produce some ideas that I could use in my book as well.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani

PS: Yes…I’m am so much of a control freak that I would actively plan out future entries instead of just going with spontaneous day-to-day events and feelings.

PSS: Wish me luck on the scholarships!