A few days ago, on Monday afternoon, I pondered over the question “Whats been bothering you the most over the past few days?” In trying to figure out what issues I still needed to work on in my day-to-day healing process, this question came from a workbook on “remodeling your life”. The workbook came with a toolbox of techniques on making positive changes in yourself and was made and sent to me by a dear friend of mine. She was in the “Collection of Strength Video” - Joyce Welsh, co-founder of DIY Healing (www.diyhealing.org). Anyway, so I pondered over this question in my personal journal and the following was what came out.

Somehow, I’ve been feeling lately as if I’m not doing enough, or not trying hard enough…I feel like I’m missing something no matter how far out I reach. The video I made isn’t enough, uploading files of the bulletin I made for the Ohio ‘Finding Angela Shelton Campaign’ for other members to use isn’t enough, sending out 30 reminder letters to various contacts regarding the upcoming Spring ‘08 Survivor Archive isn’t enough, everything I’ve read & watched recently in searching for new ways to grow and heal isn’t enough. What is missing? Getting the highest grade in my class last week on our math test wasn’t enough. What on earth can I do or be that is enough? Theres still this dull longing that I can’t shake. I feel like I could be elected President of The United States of America tomorrow and still, some how, something would still be missing? What…what is it?

It really bothers me that I’m in school and working on that, but still relying on a government check each month to pay my bills because I’m still on social security income/disabilty and have been since being found ‘disabled’ in February of ‘04. It was actually this exact time four years ago that I lost my job and had to file. But then, in feeling like I should be working I remember the fear of the out-of-pocket expenses for my medication and how I couldn’t keep up with day-to-day functioning without kickass medical insurance, which typically never comes until 30 - 90 days into your employment and only if you work full-time. Would I be able to function w/o all that medication I swallow down every morning and night to keep me leveled out upstairs? Thats like taking insulin away from a diabetic and waiting to see how long it is until they have to rush to the E.R.

So initially I feel like I’m taking advantage of the system. But then I get angry at how fucked up the system really is. Then I think about the thousands of dollars I’m going to have to pay back the government anyway from all my student loans once I do get my degree and start working. Fuck man!

Then I think of the free rides a few are fortunate enough to get from their parents who are financially able to pay for their school. Lucky bastards. I think of my 26 year old friend who still lives at home wasting all his potential away, just working at a local grocery store and watching t.v. in his parent’s basement. This guy is hilarious. I’ve known him since high school. He’s a comic-genious. But there he is, sitting in front of the t.v. as I watch this. ::sigh:: I’ve tried to tell him he should do something while staying with his parents — they don’t require rent from him. He’s 26 and just wasting it.

Then I think back to last Wednesday and my answers to the questions, asked during an interview for my applying for help with the Student Support Services on campus — a government funded program for students who are less likely to graduate for reasons such as not having parents who’ve ever graduated from college, low income, disabilities, etc.

“Who makes up your support system?” she asked
“Well, I have a twin brother and a little and older sister. I have great friends. That pretty much covers it.”
“No parents?” she asked.
“No…um. I don’t have any relationship with them. Uhh… I actually filed for legal seperation from them through Clark State when I was younger because they said otherwise I had to have their income on my financial aid applications til I was 23. That wasn’t really a possibility. Uhh…no, no parents. Its, you know…more common then people think.”

She nodded but I sensed and resented the pity.

Some where deep down theres was a part of me that wanted to give her a less sugar-coated answer….something along the lines of:

No lady, no parents. I actually did see my Dad for the first time in two years a few weeks ago which was a huge fucking shock to me. Maybe it’ll be another two years before I see him again — fuck, I don’t know! I’m sorry I’m not important enough to be a part of his life - no, thats fine! He wouldn’t even make an effort to answer the phone when my little sister tried to get a hold of him this past Christmas, for him to see his little grandchildren on Christmas fucking day — and let me tell you, my neices are fucking beautiful!!

And my Mom — I haven’t seen her in going on 3 years because shes literally physically hazardous to be around. Just this past fall she attacked my same sister in front of her children — my said fucking beautiful baby nieces. Then ‘the Nick’ (aka ‘mother) acted as if she didn’t know what the fuck my sister was so upset about 10 minutes later. My sister is now wondering if D.I.D. could be hereditary. At least I was comforted in my wondering of the same question these past 4 years ever since my own diagnosis. I mean…who attacks their children and then acts confused 10 minutes later when their still upset. “I don’t know what you’re talking about?” she says. What The FUCK!!

(Deep breath…calm…)

And it’s funny, here I am wondering why I still struggle with feeling at times like nothing I do is enough. This question keeps coming up — what is this empty longing…what is it?

In reality I’m great right? I’m the fucking shit?!

Now if I can just take that understanding and drag it from my mind into my heart maybe we’d get somewhere.

The Nick after all with her constant rants of” You ARE nothing! You deserve NOTHING!” didn’t leave much room in the beginning to believe much else could be logical.

In my head I completely understand that she’s ill…that she didn’t mean those things. Even if she did, what would it matter considering the source it came from? And I start egging myself on then with things like, “Remember all those birthday presents you bought her that she complained about and that one Christmas gift she refused to open. Your graduation she refused to attend?”

My older brother, Arthur, called last weekend at around 9:30 am. He was sober — it was amazing. I can’t remember the last time he talked to me sober so it was a real treat, it really was. I miss him — that him. I have for years.

“She’s the most cold-hearted person I’ll ever know,” he said, referring to our Mom.

And so I just have to remember. My self worth can no longer be judged through her cold heard, but instead be understood through my own.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

White House Releases FY 2009 Budget

Budget Freezes Most Mental Illness Research and Services Programs; Cuts Proposed for Housing; Increase Sought for Veterans Programs

February 5, 2008

On February 3, President Bush unveiled his $3.1 trillion proposed budget plan for fiscal year (FY) 2009 - with increases sought for defense and homeland security, and tight controls on most domestic discretionary programs, holding them under inflationary increases. The result is a budget that continues tight constraints on domestic discretionary spending (which comprise only about 15% of all federal outlays). In addition, the President’s budget is also seeking more than $200 billion in reductions for the Medicare and Medicaid programs that are mandatory entitlements outside of discretionary spending. These changes to Medicare and Medicaid must be approved by Congress to go into effect.

Among the highlights and concerns for NAMI in the President’s proposed FY 2009 budget are:

• Mental illness research – The request for NIMH for FY 2009 is only $1 million above the current FY 2008 level ($1.405 billion) and is far below the increase needed to keep pace with medical research inflation;
• Medicaid – the President’s budget proposes legislative and administrative changes to Medicaid designed to trim the program by $2 billion in FY 2009 and $17.4 billion over the next 5 years. Most of these changes will require action by Congress to go into effect;
• Mental illness services – most programs at SAMHSA’s Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS) held at current levels, with the exception of the PATH (outreach and engagement for homeless individuals with mental illness) where the President is asking for $7 million increase and the Childrens Mental Health program where the President is asking for a $12 million increase. Other discretionary and demonstration programs at CMHS are proposed for a $144 million reduction;
• Veterans – mental illness treatment services in the VA would be increased by $319 million and is projected to reach $3.9 billion in FY 2009; and
• Housing – a $77 million cut is proposed for the HUD Section 811 program, with the reduction falling hardest on the production of units within the program, funding for homeless programs however would be boosted by $50 million over current levels.

Here is a video I created. Included is my story and my message to survivors.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Okay guys. For those of you who remember my IRRT therapy sessions that I had to stop doing cause I started to switch really bad after the first session HERE is what I pretty much did with my therapist.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about here are the three entries in which I wrote about my sessions with my own therapist back in September & October:

IRRT Therapy - Sept. 25, 2007
IRRT Therapy ~ Session #1 - Oct 13, 2007
A Challenging Week - Oct 21, 2007

Only my memory that I went into as the adult with her … to take care of my child-self and rescue her, and help her to understand that my Mom was sick — the memory was during a time when my Mom tried to drown me in front of my little sister in the bathtub, and my Dad had to drag her off of me. I switched during the time that it happened and I only know that my Dad had to drag her off of me because my little sister remembers it and I found out about it through her.

So, only because I developed dissociative identity disorder, and I switched into an alter personality during this episode of abuse as a child, this type of therapy was not beneficial to me being able to function in my day-to-day life. Because I began to switch again after the therapy session. My switching was disrupting my day-to-day functioning and so we stopped with this type of therapy. Also, in my therapy we taped it on a tape recorder so that I could listen to it. Listening to it in my therapists office in our second IRRT therapy session REALLY brought a lot out and I really do wish this type of therapy could have worked for me.

So, if your interested in this type of therapy please watch this to get an idea of what it entails.

Just because it didn’t work for me DOESN’T mean it CAN’T help YOU!

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Okay…so…

I’m writing a personal statement to be attached with my scholarship applications for said scholarships I’m applying for. This statement is pretty much the heart of my application…it tells the people deciding who wins who I am, my plans, yada, yada.

Anyway, in my google-ing for information regarding whats expected or suggested in writing these statements I came across a list of questions that are supposed to help while brainstorming about what to write about yourself. These questions I thought might not help me to think of anything really to put in my statement, but maybe they’ll help me to do some self reflection and give thought into my life as a whole?

I’m going to use these questions as a basis for a future series of bloggy blogs.

Here they are…

1. What errors or regrets have taught me something important about myself?

2. When have I been so immersed in what I was doing, that time seemed to evaporate while I was actively absorbed in the activity?

3. What ideas, books, theories or movements have made a profound impact on me - be honest it says.

4. To what extent do my current commitments reflect my most strongly-held values?

5. Where or how do I seem to waste the most time?

6. Under what conditions do I do my best, most creative work?

7. What really makes me angry?

8. To what extent am I a typical product of my generation and/or culture? How might I deviate from the norm?

Okay, well, there they are. Substance for several future writings. I was thinking that some of these questions might help me produce some ideas that I could use in my book as well.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani

PS: Yes…I’m am so much of a control freak that I would actively plan out future entries instead of just going with spontaneous day-to-day events and feelings.

PSS: Wish me luck on the scholarships!

The forecast tomorrow:  High of 32* F
                                       Low of 13* F

Chance of precipitation:  70%

I hate the winter cloudiness…the days that seem to only grow shorter.  It kills my mood and energy.  Do you ever get cabin fever so bad that you reason that walking around in nature sounds like awesome fun? 

Don’t!!!

  Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

A few sessions back my therapist Alberta asked if I have a fear of success…if it’s a possibility? Do I purposely do things to sabotage my ever achieving my goals? Where am I at right now…what level of functioning?

Do I want to believe that I’m beyond having all the help I’ve had for the past 4 years? Next month will mark the four year passage from the period of time during which I lost my job and had to file for SSDI (social security disability income). What does it mean for my life in going back to school, running the Survivor Archives project, and being “highly functional” again?

In truth, part of me feels very guilty. I think of my friends at the Community Support center here in town and I feel like I’d be leaving them behind. I’d be…if I started a career would I be leaving behind some of my siblings way of surviving financially?

But of coarse I wouldn’t be “leaving behind” anyone or anything. I’d only be working to get to a place where I can help instead of only need. Where I can actually DO something to improve the lives of those still struggling because a part of me lays within each of them. I’m not leaving. I’m reaching out my hand to help them see that climbing upward is possible. To give them guidance and choices, if they’re willing to act upon them. I’m only doing for others what has many times been done for me.

So what if I need medication and my own counseling? So what if I still go to group therapy once a week to help me stay grounded? I’m only following my own advice to others. I need to get beyond feeling like I do at times … this fear that creeps in of not being able to attend classes and eventually go back to work. For what reason? Because I have times, just like everyone, where I’m not sleeping or eating right, where I’m not concentrating well, where I’m not thinking straight?

So during my last session my therapist, Alberta, and I discussed these irrational thoughts and fears…which can mostly be attributed to a fear of abandonment. Thinking I’ll be left or scoffed at if I do well and succeed. That I’m not good enough to succeed. I need to remember not to panic if I’m having a bad week (e.g. “Oh my god…this is it — I’m relapsing! I’ll have another nervous breakdown any day now and will wind up back in the hospital for sure!”).

But Alberta’s right. I just need to figure out what my limits are and stick to them.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Hey guys, just wanted to write to check in and say that I’m still around. I’ll try to update the survivor pages sometime soon. I just haven’t gotten the time.

Right now I’m just enjoying being back in school, and I need to balance in some time for here. I still journal in my portable one I carry with me everywhere along with various pens…just haven’t been adding said entries here. I’m sorry for that.

I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to have Sundays all to myself. Just me walking around in my robe, undisturbed by knocks at my door or the phone constantly ringing or buzzing (depending on if it’s on vibrate).

To give you an example of my amount of quiet time, I did actually put up a sign outside my apartment door Tuesday night that said “Studying…Please Come Back Later”. It didn’t work.

Before I knew it my twin brother was pounding down my door with his girlfriend because she burnt her hand and they were wondering if I had any baking soda (does that even help with burns?). She was hysterical…the next day her hand was fine (grrr). Then my brother came back asking me to google how to treat first degree burns. Then my friend called cause she recently had to call the cops on her boyfriend (domestic violence…a long, angry rant I’ll maybe save for another time) and was wanting some advice on restraining orders. So I googled how to treat said burns and I gave my friend the number to our local women’s center.

Then I went to bed tired and angry. So tomorrow is ALL MINE damn it! But of coarse, I’m not a single mom with three kids so I have no right to bitch. I’ve just been very exhausted and uncharacteristically irritable lately? Well nites.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani