My Dissonance

The forecast tomorrow:  High of 32* F
                                       Low of 13* F

Chance of precipitation:  70%

I hate the winter cloudiness…the days that seem to only grow shorter.  It kills my mood and energy.  Do you ever get cabin fever so bad that you reason that walking around in nature sounds like awesome fun? 

Don’t!!!

  Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

A few sessions back my therapist Alberta asked if I have a fear of success…if it’s a possibility? Do I purposely do things to sabotage my ever achieving my goals? Where am I at right now…what level of functioning?

Do I want to believe that I’m beyond having all the help I’ve had for the past 4 years? Next month will mark the four year passage from the period of time during which I lost my job and had to file for SSDI (social security disability income). What does it mean for my life in going back to school, running the Survivor Archives project, and being “highly functional” again?

In truth, part of me feels very guilty. I think of my friends at the Community Support center here in town and I feel like I’d be leaving them behind. I’d be…if I started a career would I be leaving behind some of my siblings way of surviving financially?

But of coarse I wouldn’t be “leaving behind” anyone or anything. I’d only be working to get to a place where I can help instead of only need. Where I can actually DO something to improve the lives of those still struggling because a part of me lays within each of them. I’m not leaving. I’m reaching out my hand to help them see that climbing upward is possible. To give them guidance and choices, if they’re willing to act upon them. I’m only doing for others what has many times been done for me.

So what if I need medication and my own counseling? So what if I still go to group therapy once a week to help me stay grounded? I’m only following my own advice to others. I need to get beyond feeling like I do at times … this fear that creeps in of not being able to attend classes and eventually go back to work. For what reason? Because I have times, just like everyone, where I’m not sleeping or eating right, where I’m not concentrating well, where I’m not thinking straight?

So during my last session my therapist, Alberta, and I discussed these irrational thoughts and fears…which can mostly be attributed to a fear of abandonment. Thinking I’ll be left or scoffed at if I do well and succeed. That I’m not good enough to succeed. I need to remember not to panic if I’m having a bad week (e.g. “Oh my god…this is it — I’m relapsing! I’ll have another nervous breakdown any day now and will wind up back in the hospital for sure!”).

But Alberta’s right. I just need to figure out what my limits are and stick to them.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Hey guys, just wanted to write to check in and say that I’m still around. I’ll try to update the survivor pages sometime soon. I just haven’t gotten the time.

Right now I’m just enjoying being back in school, and I need to balance in some time for here. I still journal in my portable one I carry with me everywhere along with various pens…just haven’t been adding said entries here. I’m sorry for that.

I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to have Sundays all to myself. Just me walking around in my robe, undisturbed by knocks at my door or the phone constantly ringing or buzzing (depending on if it’s on vibrate).

To give you an example of my amount of quiet time, I did actually put up a sign outside my apartment door Tuesday night that said “Studying…Please Come Back Later”. It didn’t work.

Before I knew it my twin brother was pounding down my door with his girlfriend because she burnt her hand and they were wondering if I had any baking soda (does that even help with burns?). She was hysterical…the next day her hand was fine (grrr). Then my brother came back asking me to google how to treat first degree burns. Then my friend called cause she recently had to call the cops on her boyfriend (domestic violence…a long, angry rant I’ll maybe save for another time) and was wanting some advice on restraining orders. So I googled how to treat said burns and I gave my friend the number to our local women’s center.

Then I went to bed tired and angry. So tomorrow is ALL MINE damn it! But of coarse, I’m not a single mom with three kids so I have no right to bitch. I’ve just been very exhausted and uncharacteristically irritable lately? Well nites.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Last night I sent the email below out to my family and friends here at home. For this journal entry I’ve ommitted/changed their emails and real names. These are the people who got me to where I am today in my healing.

My real name is Joanna. I go by “Ani Star” for this blog because sometimes I need a place to write - a place thats not involved with the work I do for The Survivor Archives. I enjoy being able to reach out to other survivors online on a more personal level. A place I go can to talk about the problems I still experience day-to-day with my mental health, family, and friends. Because I’m still healing. You never really stop healing.

It means a lot that “Tiffany” and “Bethany” (my older and little sister) left comments on my archive. They used their pseudonyms that I use online of coarse. Which I think is neat. It means a lot to me that I have people here at home who understand and are happy for what I do here in the online world. I know so many don’t have that. In a way I’m so lucky that my Mom had 6 children. Otherwise I’d have no one who really knows what it was like simply because they were there.

from Joanna D. <ommitted@gmail.com> To Darnell W <ommitted@peoplepc.com>, Jackie O <ommitted@yahoo.com>, Jacob P <omitted@yahoo.com>, Jared M <ommitted@yahoo.com>, Jennifer H <ommitted@gmail.com>, Jenny <ommitted@gmail.com>, Jodie <omitted@aol.com>, Kristin Evans <omitted@gmail.com>, Leslie M <ommitted@sbcglobal.net>, Mike <omitted@yahoo.com>, Bethany D. <omitted@mac.hush.com>, Steve Doane <omitted@gmail.com>, Tiffany R. <omitted@hotmail.com>, date Dec 27, 2007 3:46 PM subject Something I wrote. Please Read! mailed-by gmail.com

Three weeks ago I told my ex, Mike, and a friend who I call “B”, who has “fallen for me”, that I couldn’t hang out with either of them anymore, because it wasn’t right to given their feelings for me. With Mike, I told him that I couldn’t spend anymore time with him until we could truly look each other in the eyes and say that we didn’t love each other as anything more than friends. Until then, hanging out was cruel to us both. It was me telling him that there was still a chance of us getting back together. And it was me torturing myself because I still love him and still need to heal the broken heart that has resulted from our splitting up in the first place.

“B” just had some unhealthy fixation I think. He’s been sober for the first time in his life for the past 4 months or so. He just broke up with his ex a few months ago. He’d known me for 3 months when I got his “Monday & Sunday were the two hardest days of my sobriety and its was because of wanting you” letter. We’ve never so much as hugged? I don’t need that sort of pressure and he needs to deal with being sober. So I told him also that we couldn’t hang out anymore because I needed him not to have such strong feelings for me, and that the only way that was going to happen was if we gave each other distance and stopped hanging out. What makes that difficult is that he is best friends with my twin brother. When Mike and I broke up I moved down the hall from Stephen, my twin brother. “B” happens to be the maintenance guy for our apartment building and lives right across the hall from Stephen — right down the hall from me. Can you say awkward, right?

So, I told them both I needed to stop spending time with them which was hard. I spent that first week holed up in my apartment. I didn’t answer the door or the phone because I ran the risk of speaking to them. Mike called and when I answered the phone the conversation ended with me crying and telling him I needed him to understand that I needed to get off of the phone with him. At first he said he understood that first week of us not hanging out. But then when I answered the phone a weeks after that it turned into, “Hasn’t it been long enough? When will it be long enough?” I think he really thought two weeks was long enough for me to stop loving him after being together for six years, LOL?

Then Christmas Eve came and I bawled my eyes out all night because Mike wasn’t with me that day. Then Christmas he convinced me that going out to eat for dinner would be a good idea. I was lonely and week and agreed that it would be a good idea. Now he wants me to hang out tonight.

In my head I’m asking, “What the hell are you doing?? You’re sending mixed messages to both him and yourself! Stop it you idiot! Stop!”

He wants to hang out again tonight and I told him, ‘Maybe, okay,” yesterday when he asked. I just got a text from him wanting to go out somewhere with him so he could return something. I gave him the excuse of needing to do laundry. Regarding hanging out tonight, I told him maybe but that I might be doing something at my Stephen’s instead. Then I realize that I need to not give him excuses and just tell him we can’t be hanging out because I already told him that. I need to tell him that Wednesday was a mistake.

So my next text is: “I’m not going to stop crying myself to sleep at night, missing you, if we keep hanging out. Can’t talk, I’m sorry.”

And now I’m thinking about being holed up in my apartment, not answering my door or phone for the next week cause it could be him at my door. It could be him calling from a number I don’t recognize. The women in my support group are right. - thats not fair to me. I have to cut the strings completely, change my number?

But I’m not strong enough for that yet. I love him and I miss him. God, what am I doing?

~ Ani

I saw my psych doctor today. I’ll call her “The Vish” for fun. I’m in the waiting room and the nurse calls me back. She takes my weight, blood pressure, asks about any physical complaints. I’ve gained almost 10 lbs (which some might think is a good thing — “you need to eat better” I’m told), my blood pressures fine, and I’ve had headaches…sinus crap…I take claritin daily now for it.

“Hows your mood been?”
Well…I don’t know. I’ve been tired, anxious, sleeps been very up and down. Sometimes its been hard to get to sleep and then other times, even though I’ve gotten enough sleep, I’m still tired all day. I’ll sleep right through my alarm for three hours straight. Who does that? Other times I’m just really keyed up and get distracted by every little noise. I can’t think straight. I walk around in a fog.

“So you really don’t know how you’re going to wake up feeling from one day to the next?”
No, I really don’t.

“Anything causing you stress?”
Well…family, friends, relationships…theres been a lot of problems there.

“Anything you want to tell me more about?”
No

So then I go out in the waiting room until the doctor calls me in. I tell her the same thing I just told the nurse except I tell her I can’t wait for classes to start in January. She knows I’m trying to get my degree.

She says shes going to decrease my Zoloft down to 100mg each morning. I tell her thats how many I’m taking - 100mg in the morning, right? She says she has written down 200 mg - two 100 mg tablets - every morning? I explain, no, I take one tablet.

I’m thinking, “You told me to take one less tablet months ago and thats what I’ve been doing. So, lowering my zoloft? We’ve obviously already done that. Now what?”

Her phone rings then and she actually answers it. Shes speaking in some foreign language I don’t understand. Maybe shes speaking to a family member? Its not spanish or french — I don’t know what shes speaking. Arabic?

She gets off the phone and looks at me and apologizes for the phone call.

“I’m confused”, she tells me.
“So am I”, I answer.

Then she see’s it.

She looks down at the nurse’s notes and says, “Ah…family & friends…relationship troubles…plus school? Tell you what, we won’t change your medicine right now, because it might actually just make you worse. I want to see you in another month and see how things are going then, okay?”

This is why I like her. She uses good reasoning. She’s right, I could be just a little stressed out. Everyone is this time of year. I don’t mention my dissociative problems because we both know theres no medication to aid with that. My therapist is aware and we’re working on it.

So now I just wait til January? Existing as being tired, anxious, my sleep always up and down. Even with enough sleep, I’ll stay tired all day. Hopefully no more sleeping right through my alarm for three hours straight. Again, who does that? I”ll exist other times, just really keyed up and I’ll continue to get distracted by every little noise. I still can’t think straight. I’ll continue for another month in and out of this fog, just going through the motions life, but feeling none of it.

Yes, Dr. Vish, I understand you’re confused. So am I.

My twin brother, who lives down the hall from me, is best friends with the maintenance man in our building — who also lives across from my brother, right down the hall from me. I’ll call him “B”. B is sweet. Hes a wonderful guy. And he’s recently confessed to me that he’s “fallen for me”. We hang out a lot and I’ve explained to him that I’m not in a place right now where I can become involved with anyone in a way thats beyond friendship. Also, hes been sober for the first time in years, for only the past four months, and I feel like thats the last thing I should be attracted to. Mike, my ex, has recently started counseling and has started going to AA meetings. He and Brian are going to be attending Thursday night meetings together this weekend. The whole situation makes me sad. This is the letter he wrote me last night.

Ani,
I know, I know, here we go again with the letter! As always I don’t know what I’m going to say. Anyway, I hope you get a good night’s sleep. I’m real sorry if I’ve been short with you. My mind is full … Sunday and Monday have been two of the worst days I think I have ever had, sober…it’s because of you. I can not get my mind off you. I hardly sleep, I can’t sit still, I can’t move around, and I can’t do shit about it! There is no reason to talk or in my case listen about it. Because it always comes out the same, with me looking like a dumb-ass and still wanting you … I don’t know what I expect you to do or say about this, I know what I want to hear, and I know its not doing me any good at all for you to read this, but I do think I feel better knowing that you know this is not some little school house shit that I feel towards you. Please believe that I could not be anymore real about this. I have never, ever felt so strongly about any one or anything in my life.

And it sucks … big time …

And it always will. Not matter what happens in our lives, never forget that I’m here, no matter the time, no matter what, if you need it, I’m bust my ass getting it. Just always remember that okay.

Sorry once again,
B

This is what I’ve written back to B. “A” is my twin brother’s current girl friend who also lives down the hall and drives me & B crazy with her compulsive lying and manipulative behavior. Thats an entirely different story I’ll have to go into at another time.

B,
I’m flattered that you feel so strongly about me. Extremely flattered. But I’m far from perfect. I guess it concerns me that you feel like that for someone you’ve only known for three months that you’ve … but really that its just me. But I also know that my sense of trust right now is incredibly damaged. Its not your fault that I’m in a place where I can’t trust anything beyond friendship. Its not your fault that I feel damaged, as a whole, and its hard for me to open myself up to anyone right now. I need you to know that I do understand how you feel and that theres absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re completely awesome, fun, and sweet. Its just me and where I’m at.

You’ve been great to me since I’ve moved in here and I can’t begin to repay you or thank you enough. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’ve stuck by and listened to the crap I’ve been experiencing lately. I know that it bothers you and others that I’m still hanging out with Mike. But don’t worry, I see beyond the bullshit that at times comes out of his mouth. And I guess thats what makes it hardest. I wish I could trust him. It hurts like hell that I can’t. It hurts when I, again, have to tell him that I just can’t give him another chance ever. It seems like that I’m just simply stuck in my transcendence to get beyond the having to leave him, to getting back into a place where I can feel safe again. Its really hard to think that this time last year Mike and I had only been living with him Mom and step-dad for a month - we were supposed to be getting ahead on our bills…most importantly that, after 5 years, we were still very much in love.

A year later I’m here. And I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong? Why is it just all gone and over? But then I have to remind myself that it is what it is and all I can do is to move on, and to keep in mind how blessed I am to have people who care, like Stephen and you, just down the hall. I’m blessed to have had true love beyond the shit that I’ve seen other people deal with because, as you know from hanging out from him, Mikes truly a good person — he just lost sight of what matters. If he was some sort of male ‘A’ all this would be easier because I would never put up with unacceptable behavior. Then again … If I was dealing with a male ‘A’ I’d probably have to get a restraining order, huh? Ha!

Again, sorry for the novel.

Nites and I hope you get a better night’s sleep than what I’m about to get.

~ Ani

This week has been challenging. The IRRT (Imagery Rescripting & Reprocessing - experimental therapy for trauma I started last week) Therapy really threw me for a loop — along with hearing about my uncle who sexually abused me growing up through out the past few weeks. My little sister, Bethany, recounted to me a conversation between my older brother and Mom (who I no longer speak to) regarding finding out about what my uncle did to me. Then my brother-in-law, Rod, recounted to me about how my uncle used to try to get my older sister and him to allow my Uncle M. to babysit for them with their daughter - my little niece. Rod said he always told Uncle M. no, and then when the truth came out about my uncle, via me telling my family, Rod knew that he had been right about why not to leave his daughter alone with the sick bastard. Thank God he listened to his instincts!!

Since my little sister, Bethany, moved out of our moms after Mom attacked her (details here) I’ve worried about how long it will actually be until the woman actually gets to see Bethany and my baby nieces again. Bethany had a habit of leaving her children alone with our mom, unsupervised, and it frightens me to think, “Will she do it again eventually?” Even though Bethany has been warned about how sick our mom is, will she feel bad and leave them with her again? My twin brother and I know better than to ever leave that woman alone with any child. My father himself said that if Mom ever did anything to hurt the little ones he would try and take them in, to take care of them (even though his own wife hit my oldest niece in one instance — so hard that it bruised her ::sigh::).

They just need to be SAFE. They’re beautiful little girls — only 2 1/2 and almost 4-years-old! They deserve a stable environment, just as all children do. Will my little sister cave in, because it’s “easier said then done” as she explained to me once when I told her I’d never let my children alone with that woman? I’ve thought about calling Adult Protective Services to have my Mom accessed but she isn’t old enough yet to be eligible for it according to my caseworker. In the past I’ve come close to calling Children’s Services atleast regarding what my mom did to me, so their would be some record of abuse if she ever did anything to those babies. But my little sister, twin brother, and even Mike at the time, seriously advised me against it. And after wrestling with the Children Services where my Uncle lives in SC, regarding the suspected abuse of his own son — and nothing coming of it — I thought to myself, “How will this be any different?”

With the IRRT therapy, reminders of my uncle, and worrying about my neices safety I started having dissociative episodes earlier this week. My twin brother and my case worker were nice and checked up on me Thursday afternoon and Friday morning. I was having trouble sleeping, having thoughts that my Uncle was going to come to Ohio, break into my apartment, and hurt me for telling my family the truth about him. I keep a knife in between my mattress and box-spring mattress of my bed. It helps me feel safe for if I ever wake up to some freak standing over me for any reason. I’ve just floated through this past week really. There’s been a lot of internal discussion in my mind thats gotten louder than usual - loud communicating through the thoughts of my alters. Bad times indeed.

But through it I’ve taken decent care of myself and now I’m feeling better. I’ve now got my therapists cellphone number in case of emergencies. She felt bad for ever having tried the IRRT therapy with me, but I told her it was just as much my decision as it was her own.

In the end, this whole experience as a whole — it all helps me feel more secure. Because the important thing is that it’s all really shown me that I can take care of myself when things get bad. I can get to where I need to be. I won’t just fall apart at the drop of a hat as it once seemed in the past. I’m stronger. I’m more confident. I’m stable and functioning.

I tossed and turned last night, trying to sleep again. But I got up at around 1:30am and I drunk some warm milk. I laid back down then and was able to get to sleep finally. And that’s really all that matters.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Tuesday I spent 2 hours with my therapist and we did our first session together working with the IRRT therapy. I went through a memory of abuse experienced in my childhood, describing it as if it was happening — how I felt.  She asked me periodically during this what my comfort level was - 0 being most comfortable to 100 being least comfortable.

She took note of my least comfortable moment during the memory and then I started over again only this time it was tape recorded. When I got to the least comfortable part of the memory, as I initially described it, she had me imagine myself as an adult today, stepping in and imagining what I would do. So I described what I would do in great detail and it was all recorded on tape. By the end I was crying, which I think I’ve only done a total of twice through out the past 2 1/2 years working with her.  I’ve practiced the technique in the past during flashbacks of going in my head as an adult and rescuing myself.  But I’ve never spent an hour and 1/2 going through it with someone else guiding me.

It was quite cathartic but when I got home I found that my twin brother didn’t have a miniature tape player as I thought he had, so I haven’t been able to listen to the tape once a day as I’m supposed to be doing. VERY frustrating.  Since the session I’ve been very much in zombie mode on and off all week. I was so out of it Wednesday morning that I actually took my night meds instead of my day ones and ended up sleeping all day as a result. I have done that before but its been well over a year ago as far as I can recall. Its kind of like I’ve just been floating along day by day.

This isn’t anything unexpected though. The session was really intense. But I was proud of myself for going through with it and, like I said, I really wish I could be listening to the tape to hear it and really take in the experience as I’m supposed to be doing.  It lays a really good foundation with working through past traumatic experiences in the future during therapy.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for this week. I hope you all enjoy the remainder of your weekend.

Love & Hope Sent,
~ Ani

Mikes promise of “I’ll never drink again” lasted a whole month and a half. So, in the end, my trying to give him a second chance lasted a whole month and a half. I told him his second chance - our being together - wasn’t working for me and to come get what little he had at my apartment about two weeks ago.

Since then its been slowly sinking in — the finality.

We both agree that we probably should have just left it alone (trying to make it work) when I first moved in with my sister back in July. We’re on fair terms I suppose. Hes moving out of town, in with a friend of his, in about a month. We’re moving on and away from our life we tried to make together…for the past 6 years.

Its just bewildering. I have no regrets. Lots of questions - but no regrets. It was a good time spent with him…and I hope he feels the same way regarding the time he spent with me.

Its hardest at night. Laying, reality creeps in, and I begin realizing … knowing that this is it. Me and my apartment with my cat. Its not how I wanted it.

I miss him. But hes not coming back. ‘Just a couple beers’ means that much to him.

Okay. I can live with that. Its only just really fucking hard at the moment.

Hope Sent,
~ Ani